FURTHER WRITING

Here are some more recent items. I hope you find them of help.

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Today, you could...

Today you could let go of the past.
Since you know you can't change it, don't hang on to it.

Today you could leave the future alone.
If you have made the plans that need to be made don't waste time in anticipation.

Today you could enjoy all the present has to offer.
That's why it's called the present, it's a gift, it's life.

How to be happier (Part one)

Here are five thoughts, based on research. Try 2 or 3 today.

1. Plant something and nurture it.
Caring for something, or someone, else changes how we feel about ourselves.

2. Count your blessings--at least five--at the end of each day.
And keep that list as a reminder to start the next day. You can repeat items but you need to write five each day.

3. Take time to talk. Have an hour-long conversation with a loved one each week.
When you reach out to others both you and they benefit from the encounter.

4. Phone a friend with whom you have not spoken for a while and arrange to meet up.
In the world of emails, texts and phone conversation nothing beats a face to face meeting.

5. Give yourself a treat every day and take the time to really enjoy it.
Most of us spend more time and effort meeting the needs of others than meeting our own needs.

How to be happier (Part two)

Here are five more items, again based on research. Try a further 2 or 3 today.

6. Have a good laugh at least once a day.
A funny book, a website full of jokes, a comedy club, a film, shared fun...go for it.

7. Get physical. Exercise for half an hour three times a week.
This is one most people don't associate with happiness, try it for a month and see if it makes a difference.

8. Smile at and/or say hello to a stranger at least once each day.
An easy one to test out, just do it and see how it makes you feel.

9. Cut your TV viewing by half.
OK, half might be pushing it, but do try and reduce it, particularly the time spent watching the news.

10. Spread kindness. Do a good turn for someone every day.
If you keep in mind the possibility of doing a good turn the opportunities will come to you as the day goes on.

I thought I was wrong once - but I was mistaken

Admitting an error is very difficult for some people and it's to them that this item is addressed.
Here is the challenge for today.

Identify a situation where you were wrong and couldn't, or wouldn't, admit it.
Then:-

1. Acknowledge your error to yourself, preferably out loud and in front of a mirror. Go on you can do it, just say 'I was wrong when...'

2. Acknowledge your error to another person, preferably one affected by it. No need to make a big thing of this, just as simple 'sorry' or again 'I was wrong when..'is enough.

3. Take one action, however small, to make amends for any harm that resulted. The acknowledgement could be enough but try and go a step further.

Today, you could...

Today you could think of three ways in which your life could be worse.
And then rejoice that it isn't.

Today you could think of three things you could easily have got wrong.
And then rejoice that you didn't.

Today you could recall three difficulties that you have dealt with.
And rejoice that they are behind you.

His own worst enemy

My grandfather was his own worst enemy, except between the years 1939 and 1945.

OK, that's a joke but there is an underlying truth that many things which occupy our minds cease to be important when we are faced with a bigger threat or problem.

So we do have a choice about how we deal with the issues in our lives and we don't need to wait for a world war to move on from things that are holding us back.

If something is a struggle..why not give up!

There are two ways in which life can be a struggle:-

First when you are trying to do something, learn something, be something, that is difficult and challenging.

Second when you are trying to do something or be something that goes against your own best interests.

The first is an invitation to use all your resources to achieve your goal, the second a sign you should consider giving up.

The distinction is not an easy one to make, here are some questions that might help.

If I achieve this will I better express my uniqueness as a human being?

If no one else cared about the outcome, would I continue with the struggle?

Is there a way of using my time and energy that might serve me better?

How would you feel if you met yourself?

Just imagine you have been introduced to yourself, without knowing it was you.

How would you react to that person?

If your answer is that you would like this person more than you like yourself you might decide it's time to raise your opinion of who you are.

If your answer is that you would like this person less than you do yourself you might think it's time to improve on how you show up in the world.

If your answer is that you would like this person about the same as you do yourself, be drawn to some parts, less keen on others, then congratulations on being comfortable in you own skin.

I've been wrong for the last 15 years

This is a true story about a lecture given in London by a visiting American academic on a specialised scientific subject. In the audience was a local expert in the same field who's firmly held views were very different from those of the lecturer. At the end of the talk the local expert stood up and the audience awaited his comments and criticism. Instead he said quite simply, "Thank you, I've been wrong about this for the last 15 years."

There is something exceptional about the ability of humans to embrace a new realisation even if it makes a past belief wrong. The learning and changed understanding is seen to be of greater importance that any loss of ego.

Right now, choose one belief about which you have some deep and, so far unadmitted, doubts perhaps about a past event, perhaps a deeply held conviction about life.

Are you prepared to say "Thank you" to your new understanding even if you end recognising you have been wrong in the past?

Greyfriars Bobby

In a graveyard in Edinburgh called Greyfriars is a statue of a Sky Terrier called Bobby who, after the death of his master, John Grey, kept watch over his grave for fourteen years, leaving only once a day to get food.

It's a touching story of love and devotion but it's also a warning about hanging on to a past that will never return. I guess when you die you don't want a statue to mark the fact that you stayed in the same place, physically, mentally and emotionally for many years.

What you are hanging on to that will never come back?
What do you need to let go of so you can start moving forward in your life?

What can you be certain of?

We all seek some certainty in our lives; it's a natural human reaction.

Here are the only three things, as I see it, that you can be certain of.

1. Time passing

However we spend the time we have available, and it's the same time for everybody, it will pass at the same rate. If we waste it, spend it wisely, ignore it, panic about it, time will just go on passing without reference to us. So it's a smart move to make sure we spend it in ways that work for us, it's a scarce resource.

2. Things change

This might well feel like a cause for insecurity but if you embrace the inevitability of change you will be better prepared for it and almost certainly better able to deal with it. It's the nature of things, people, relationships to change, not always for the better. Everything passes, good times, bad times. Resistance to change often causes more suffering than change itself.

3. Death

This is the big one, for all of us, whatever our beliefs. Death visits everyone, usually first in the death of those close to us, and then in a recognition we too will die one day, and that we don't know when that day is. We do however have control in how we spend the time between now and that unknown date.

Today, you could...

Today you could spend less time thinking about others.
And learn to treat yourself with kindness, love and patience.

Today you could slow down the rush of your live.
And make time for yourself just to be, to enjoy the moment.

Today you could take some time out.
And use it to list all the good ways you affect other people.

Broooooooce!

This heading will be very familiar to any fan of Bruce Springsteen, it's what the crowd call out before his performance starts.

It also sounds like they are booing and that's what a well know singer who preceded him at a charity concert thought, and she left the stage in tears.

How many of the slights and rejections in life are caused by misunderstandings, here are some examples.

I'll meet you by the station exit. It turned out there were two, we both waited for 30 mins and felt let down by the other one.
You weren't there when I called round at the agreed time. Actually I had rushed my sick neighbour to hospital and couldn't let you know.

I was upset you forgot my birthday. I didn't but the postal service screwed up so your present arrived over a week late.

Next time you feel upset over something and can't check it out immediately, imagine a reason that wouldn't upset you, at least until you get the chance to find out the facts.

If you suffer before you need to you suffer more than you need to.

Is this an "If" or a "When"?

There is a difference between making a decision and acting on a decision, both are important but you won't act until you have decided.

That's what makes this distinction so important.

If you find there are actions you want to take but have kept putting off then at some level you are still dealing with an "if".

You probably haven't made a firm decision and are using the uncertainty about "when" to avoid making a clear commitment.

On the other hand you may be clear about what you are going to do, just uncertain about when you will take action.

Right now might be a good time either to act or at least to fix a date and time you are prepared to hold yourself accountable for.

A simple exercise

This is just for fun. Stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself and put the biggest silliest grin on your face. Hold it and turn your head so you are looking up at the ceiling. While holding the grin and looking up at the ceiling clench your buttocks as firmly as possible and hold that position for the next instruction.

Now, try and be depressed!

This is not meant to be a cure for the difficult things in your life, it's not meant to be a treatment for depression. It does highlight that how you stand, and the expressions you make have an effect on your mood.

Today, you could experiment with that.

A better failure

It's worth considering that you probably learn more from your failures than you do from your successes.
I'm not discounting success, it's a wonderful feeling to attempt to do something and achieve it.
But it can be followed by a full stop and the question "Whats next?"

There is also something amazing about failure when the task you have set yourself turns out to be a bit too much for you.
For a start it's an heroic endeavour, to try for something beyond your normal comfort zone even if you don't quite make it.
And the learning can exceed that of trying for something less worthwhile, even if you make it.

Today, you could attempt something where your chance of success is quite low.
And decide to learn from the process, whatever the outcome.

Finding the cheese

When you put a rat in a maze with some cheese in the middle he follows the smell and experiments with different paths before he finds the one that leads to the cheese.
If you repeat the exercise he will follow the correct path with less errors and after a few repeats will finally learn the best way to get the food he wants.
If you then move the cheese to another location the rat will try the route that worked before a few times and then give up and try new directions until he is successful.

It seems that human beings don't act as intelligently as rats when it comes to how we run our lives.
So often we repeat a well trodden path even though it hasn't worked the last few times we tried it.
Here is a definition of stupidity; 'Doing exactly the same thing again and again and expecting to get a different result'.

The crash diet that has never worked long term before but 'this time it will be different'.
The approach to a relationship issue that has always led to a row but 'this time it will be different'.
The search for something lost in the same place you have looked for it the last three times!!!

If you are consistently not getting the reward you seek it's time to change your approach and find a new route.
Today, you could select an area of your life in which to apply this new learning.

I am a corpse

This is a story from the therapist Richard Bandler. I'm not sure if it's true or if he made it up to make a point.

A man in a psychiatric hospital is convinced he has already died and is now corpse. Bandler asks him various questions in an attempt to convince the man he is still alive, but to no avail. Finally he asks him "If you are a corpse and I cut you you won't bleed will you?" The man nods his assent, at which point Bandler leans over and stabs him with a pin, deep enough to draw blood. He looks at the man, who has not even flinched, expecting him to accept this proof that he is alive. "Well, I was wrong" said the patient, "Corpses do bleed"

Whatever beliefs people cling to or depend on they will find evidence to support, even if the have to manufacture it.

Today, you could look at one of your cherished beliefs and ask yourself if your attitude has blinded you to evidence to the contrary.

The life we have chosen

Like it or not, we usually find we are living the life we have chosen.

Yes, tragedy or illness can strike us, difficult events arise, but overall we end up with the results of the decisions and choices we have made.

We can protest, claim bad luck, bemoan our fate, wish things were different, in fact do almost anything except face up to the fact that we are responsible for our decisions and their consequences. And even if there are other reasons why you still don't have the life you would like you will be best served by assuming you are responsible for how things have turned out.

Today, you could act as if everything in your life is because you have created it that way and then, if you want to, you can create it differently.

Listening is hard work

Well it is if it's done properly.
Let me suggest three ways of listening.

Accurate listening.

Very useful when you are receiving information e.g. 'meet you at 10.30 by the coffee house' although it's amazing how many people get even this wrong. Look out for a tendency to start framing your reply before the other person has finished talking, it usually means you're not concentrating hard enough.

Empathic listening.

This is helpful in more serious conversations. Here you listen to the words but also try to get in touch with the feelings behind them. This listening is characterised by an ability to respond in such a way that the speaker says 'Yes, that's exactly what I meant' Remember how you have felt when someone showed they had fully understood you?

Advanced listening.

This goes beyond accuracy and even empathy. Here you listen so carefully to the whole communication, get so attuned to the other person, that your response tells the speaker something they didn't fully realise. Responses such as 'You are right, and I didn't even realise that's what I was saying' indicate you are practicing advanced listening.

Today you could decide to try all three ways as opportunities present themselves.

Five simple acts you can take today

1. Decide on something you want, it can be something small or a major life goal.

2. Check it's phrased in the positive, what you want, not what you don't want, and then write it down.

3. Decide on an action, however small, which you can take today towards that objective.

4. Take that action, do whatever you have to do to complete it, and, preferably, record it.

5. Decide on an action you can take tomorrow towards your goal and record that as well for when you wake up.

If you keep this process up for a week you will end up a lot nearer to, or achieving, your goal.

Question everything

Emerson said 'The hardest thing in the world is to think'
But it is worth the effort and using questions is a great way to start.

Today, you could question everything.
Here are some suggestions.

Does eating this food support the life I want to have?

Am I spending time with people who enhance my life?

Why do I still feel this way over something that has passed?

Is buying this item going to be a good use of my finances?

Could I be doing something more fun than watching television?

As well as answering these, see how many more questions you can generate. It would be interesting to go to bed tonight tired out from just thinking.

Today, you could...

Today, you could stop making comparisons between yourself and others.
Rejoice in being who you are, and then, if you want to, make changes.

Today, you could stand out from the crowd or be part of the crowd.
There is no right or wrong way to be and it's your choice.

Today, you could decide on what you want to have done by the time you go to bed.
And start right now to take action towards making that your reality.

Slicing the end off the ham

A husband notices his wife cuts a thick slice off the ham they usually have on Sundays before putting it in the oven. He asks why she does that and she tells him it makes the roast taste better and that, anyway, it's what her mother always did. His mother in law is joining them for lunch that day so he repeats the question to her and she also says it improves the taste and that it's what her mother did. That afternoon they go to visit the grandmother in her retirement home so again he repeats the question. 'I had to cut the end off, our oven was too small' says the old lady.

It seems like more of a joke than a true story until you reflect on the things you do out of habit that no longer serve you.

A challenge for today; look for an example of a repeated habit that is no longer of use to you, and then drop it or come up with a better approach.

The Greek Chorus

In ancient Greek drama there was usually a group called The Chorus whose job it was to tell the audience what was really going on. The Chorus always told it like it was, no pretence, no denial, it had absolute integrity. The main actors played out their stage drama, often ignoring situations and information that conflicted with how they wanted the world to be. Behind them, The Chorus would tell the unembellished truth in a very matter of fact way.

If you have a friend who can be your Greek Chorus, not just tell you what they think you want to hear but give you their honest opinion even if it is difficult for you to listen to, then they are a resource beyond measure and you should value them greatly even if they sometimes annoy you.

There is also a Greek Chorus inside each of us, a quiet voice that knows what is really going on and tells us the truth we are trying to avoid.

Today, you could allow it to speak to you; it may well save you from future suffering.

Change your mind

Your mind, like your body, needs regular exercise to maintain it, strengthen it and keep it supple.

Here are some suggestions you might want to consider and take action on.

Go out of your way to meet someone new, someone outside of your usual circle.
Read a newspaper with a view completely different from the one you hold.
Choose a type of TV program or station you wouldn't normally watch.
Go to a place you wouldn't normally visit and look for some new stimulation.
Try an activity you never thought you would indulge in, just because it is different.

And in each of the above look for what is good about the experience.

Sorting out my tool box

Many years ago, I sorted out my very large and very full tool box. I tipped the contents on to an old sheet on the floor and then started to go through item by item keeping or discarding as appropriate. After five minutes I realised this was going to take well over an hour. I sat and thought about how to speed the process up and decided to just decide what I knew I needed and wanted to keep and then throw the rest away without looking at each item even if I might have missed something. It has since turned out I didn't.

So here is the challenge for today.

If you unpacked all aspects of your life, location, relationships, job, leisure, attitudes, and only took back what you really wanted what would you wish to keep and what would you be willing to discard as 'not needed on voyage'?

The closed door

A young widower, who loved his five year old son very much, was away on business when bandits came who burned down the whole village and took his son away. When the man returned, he saw the ruins and panicked. He took the burnt corpse of an infant to be his son and cried uncontrollably. He organised a cremation ceremony, collected the ashes and put them in a beautiful little bag which he always kept with him. Soon afterwards, his real son escaped from the bandits and found his way home. He arrived at his father's new cottage at midnight and knocked at the door. The father, still grieving asked: "Who is it?" The child answered, "it's me papa, open the door!" But in his agitated state of mind, convinced his son was dead, the father thought that some young boy was making fun of him. He shouted: "Go away" and continued to cry. After some time, the child left. Father and son never saw each other again."

This is an old Buddhist story and in commentary the Buddha said "Sometime, somewhere, you take something to be the truth. If you cling to it so much, even when the real truth comes in person and knocks on your door, you will not open it."

The other side

One day a young monk on his journey home came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him, he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The monk yelled over to the teacher, "Oh wise one, can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river"? The teacher pondered for a moment looked up and down the river and yelled back, "My son, you are on the other side".

I hope that made you smile.

Let me now raise an interesting question that you might want to consider today:-

Could it be that in some parts of your life where you currently feel dissatisfied you are in practice where you want to be even if it doesn't feel like that?

Perhaps that won't apply to you but you might still get some new understanding by thinking about the possibility.

What holds you back?

Is there something you have always wanted to do, an experience you have always sought after, an objective you have never quite reached?

Sometimes such situations do respond to greater effort, can be achieved with a final push. Sometimes however, particularly if it's a long standing unrealised ambition, it's good to stop trying harder and instead start looking at what is getting in the way, what is holding you back.

If you are having trouble getting in touch with what is blocking you try this.

Write 'What stops me doing this is....' ten times on a sheet of paper and then finish the sentence with ten different reasons.

Somewhere in the answers will be clues to what it is you need to face up to before you can move forward to your goal.

Knowing what it is doesn't solve the problem but it does give you the best place to look for a solution.

Six degrees of separation

You probably know about this idea, that we are all connected to everyone else on the planet by an average of six linking people. So you know someone, who knows someone, and so on, an average of six times and then you are in touch with anyone in the world you wish to be in contact with.

It gives an added dimension to the question 'Who could help me with this?' You are not limited to the people you know personally, you can include the people they know and so on.

Indeed, via the internet, you can very quickly have contact with a whole range of people. So expand your horizons when you have something you need help with. What you need is out there and you do have ways of contacting it.

A couple of years ago I had a problem of a shower drainage that couldn't rely on gravity so I posted a question on a website. Eight hours later I got a reply from someone 5,000 miles away giving me details of a pump that would solve my problem.

The world is full of people who want to help, reach out and find them.

'Make my day'

This is a well known quote from a film but I'd like to leave to one side its quite aggressive origins and ask this question.

What one thing could you do today that would 'make your day'.

It doesn't have to be major, but it might be. It does have to make your day special in a way you hadn't thought it was going to be.

Best of luck with this, and remember to enjoy the process.

How do you spend your time?

'Who knows where the time goes?' is a song title and also a good question.

Do you sometimes go to bed wondering where the day has gone, feeling you haven't spent it wisely?

If you do, here is a suggestion, record how you spend the next three days.

Just take a blank sheet of paper, or use your computer, and record every hour how you have spent the time.

Do that for three days, it won't take more than thirty minutes total.Then spend another half an hour reviewing what you have written and see if it matches how you want your life to be.

If it does then rejoice, if it doesn't then make changes and repeat the exercise.

Standing straight or bending in the wind

When I was young I heard an address for children at my local church, given by my Baptist Minister father, about a tree that grew straight, never bent whatever nature threw at it and so was chosen to be the mast of a big sailing ship. When we had a hurricane in the UK I thought about that as so many straight trees got uprooted in the high winds and so died. Trees with more flexibility survived because they quite literally bent in the wind.

If you think about it it's not an either or situation, sometimes you need to stand straight and hold your position and sometimes you need to show flexibility, the real skill is to know which approach is most appropriate in each situation.

Today, you could be aware of the choice you have and perhaps even experiment to see which works best for you at a particular time.

A brilliant reframe

The actress Joan Collins is married to a man many years younger than herself. She was asked recently if she worried about the age difference and replied 'Well, I see it this way, if he dies, he dies'

Just makes you smile doesn't it, a great way of responding to a difficult question.

A reframe is a way of changing the way you understand something to give it a different and preferably more positive meaning to it.

Here are some examples:-

From 'I just don't have an answer to this' to 'I'm interested to see what answer emerges'

From 'This is getting me down' to 'I have the resources to get on top of this'

From 'I'm too old/stupid/tired/down' to 'Any improvement is still making things better'

You could try some out today.

A daily quality

We all have a lot of skills and talents and if you think you don't then one of your talents is that of self denial, you are brilliant at it.

So, you express yourself in many ways each day depending on your circumstances and the people you meet.

Today I want to invite you to choose a particular feeling, and yes, it's going to be a positive one, and live the day demonstrating it.

Here are some suggestions:-

Loving : Whatever happens respond with love.

Wisdom : Credit yourself with being wise, even if you don't feel it.

Fun loving : See what turns up that you can enjoy to the full.

Creative : Show an ability to come up with original responses.

Kind : React with gentle understanding to the events of the day.

The purpose of this exercise is to make today more fun, not to beat yourself up because you didn't manage as well as you wanted to.

Today, you could...

Today, you could learn to give an inch.
Where you might have been inflexible in the past you could show a little flexibility today.

Today, you could walk an extra mile.
Offer someone support like they have never known it before, you will both benefit.

Today, you could prepare for a marathon.
Some things in life involve a long haul, quick fix solutions don't apply. But you could start training today.

Have some bad ideas

There is research on this item; it's not something I've made up.

When you come across a situation where you don't know how to deal with things try coming up with bad ideas that won't work.

You can be outlandish and outrageous with this, even have fun with it.

Two things will happen.

1. You will step outside your normal way of dealing with such issues.

2. Out of every ten bad ideas on average there will be one which has value.

What's to lose, ten minutes of your time?

Today, you could...

Today, you could surprise someone.
Act differently from how they are expecting, preferably in a way that makes them, and you, feel good.

Today, you could surprise yourself.
Do something you wouldn't normally do, take a risk, shake things up a bit.

Today, you could allow yourself to be surprised.
Increase your awareness, look out for things you wouldn't normally notice, let yourself be delighted by the new.

Random Acts of Kindness

Practicing random acts of kindness is certainly not a new idea. Here is a definition and then a challenging question.

A random act of kindness is something you do for someone else without looking for personal gain.

It can be anonymous but it doesn't have to be.

Now the question. When was the last time you took such an action?

Today, you could make it a more recent event.

Timing

An old joke. 'Ask me the secret of good comedy' says the comedian.' The audience member responds 'OK, what's the secret of ..' 'Timing' says the comedian interrupting the questioner.

Now some related questions:-

What is it too late for?
Some things are beyond recovery, the time has passed and won't return. It's time to let go, time to move on.

What is it too early for?
We live in an impatient world, we try to protect the future by anticipating it, dealing with it before its time.

What is it time for?
What is it just right for you to do today? What action do you need to take? Who do you need to talk to?

The only important decisions

There are only two types of important decisions, ones that involve life and death and ones that can't be reversed.

Life and death decisions you probably already take seriously, they do tend to concentrate the mind.

All other decisions are a lot less important and ones that can be reversed are not that important at all.

Ones that you can't go back on need careful consideration, you want to make the best choice you can.

Decisions you can change later are just experiments, when you get feedback, if it hasn't worked, you can change your mind.

How to spell God

Spiritual beliefs and religious practices are very important to some people and their stance should be respected.

But even the most die hard fundamentalist would have to accept that, at least on this earth, religion has been the cause of much suffering.

Wars have been started, countries invaded, families divided, differences exploited, hate fuelled, all in the name of God.

Also in the name of God hands have reached out to others, aid has been given to the stricken and great love has been shown.

Here is a simple suggestion, add the letter 'o' and put the dogma to one side.

We have far more agreement about what is Good than we do about what is God.

I think therefore I am

This was said by René Descartes as a way of proving his existence in the world, since I am thinking I must exist.

For most of us no such proof is needed, we accept our existence; it's what we do with our lives that presents the problem.

So this phrase has a second meaning, 'You are what you think.' Your thinking may or may not confirm your existence but it certainly goes a long way towards creating your reality.

Today, you could act as if what you think creates your experience of events, it will make a difference to your day.

You can't avoid suffering

We live in a world in which things do go wrong, tragedy does strike, life can be harsh and seem unfair.

Suffering is a part of life, you can't avoid it, it goes with being human. But you can avoid suffering about the suffering although it's a difficult distinction to make.

Suffering about what has happened has a raw quality to it; real grief lies deep in the body, not just in the head.

Suffering about suffering is of an intellectual process, a wish things could be different rather than a reaction to what is.

Either experience is painful, about the first you have no choice, about the second you do have some control.

Today, you could...

Today, you could make three small differences in your life.
Clear something up, let something go, make something better.

Today, you could turn right instead of turning left as usual.
You could do that literally to explore a new route and see what you find.

Today, you could forget trying to be perfect.
And make a positive change, however small it is.

Life does not need a solution

We all have issues we need to deal with but life itself is not a problem to be solved, it's an experience to be enjoyed. It's a trait of western society that we like to solve problems.

Some people look out for them just so they have something to solve.
Some people, obviously not you dear reader, even create problems so they can solve them.

But life is not a problem to be solved, that approach reduces it to a series of events and we miss out on the full experience of being human.

Helen Keller, born both blind and deaf, two conditions that could not be solved, said 'Life is a daring adventure, or it is nothing'

Today, you could live your own daring adventure.

What should you not tolerate?

Most people, at least most people who are interested in reading what I write, like to think of themselves as tolerant, but that's not the same as being without boundaries.

Here are some thoughts on where to draw the line.

You should not tolerate the actions or beliefs of people if you end up being damaged.
You should not tolerate the actions or beliefs of people if others end up being damaged.
You should not tolerate the beliefs of those who preach intolerance towards others.

Most of the time it's OK to let others do and be what they want. The Flat Earth Society doesn't harm others, let it be.

Sometimes you have to take a stand against prejudice and intolerance. Some things just can't be tolerated.

What really counts

What really counts in life is not where you have come from but where you are going to.

I understand some backgrounds make the journey of life more difficult but I also know a lot of people who are grateful for the struggle they have had in life. I also know people who wish they hadn't had it so easy, wish they had been more tested so they knew what they were made of.

Whatever your situation your future is far more important than your history.

Today you could act as if that were true, start to leave your past behind and move towards a future of your own creation.

Who is the thief?

Four experts were asked to test four employees to establish which one had stolen a missing camera. Each 'expert' was told before the test was administered that a particular employee was suspected, but a different employee was identified for each tester. In fact all the employees were telling the truth and no camera had been stolen but that didn't stop the 'experts' identifying the 'suspected' employee as the guilty one in each case.

Teachers when told the same class is full of bright children or children of lower intelligence tend to teach to the level they have been told about and so produce matching test results.

Look at some of the assumptions you have made about other people, or even about yourself.

Have your expectations lowered your standards?
Would other people respond to a greater challenge?
Would you?

You can if you want to

The scientist Richard Dawkins tells a story about his wife. She hated her school and wished she could leave. In her twenties, she disclosed this to her parents and her mother was aghast 'But darling, why didn't you come and tell us' Her reply, 'but I didn't know I could'.

We all live with a lot of unchallenged assumptions about our lives, some date back to childhood. It's good to remind ourselves that we have far more choices than we realise, if we are prepared to deal with the consequences.Indeed accepting the possibility of choice opens us up to dealing with the barriers to us living the life we dream about.

You can...experiment to find out what works best for you, and if you feel you don't have a real choice about something you want to change then it's time to start examining what gets in the way and perhaps choosing to do something about that.

You can....change your mind, your beliefs, your relationships, and with each choice comes consequences and it's up to you to decide if you can deal with the results of what you have chosen.

You can...challenge authority, teachers, doctors, politicians. Nothing is written in stone, the choices you make are the tools you use to bring about change, they are ways of gaining control over your life.

Today, you could live by the motto 'I can if I choose to' and if the choice is too difficult look at what gets in the way.
(My thanks to CC for helping me make sense of this idea)

Facing the fear

A man went to visit a friend in his country home. In the middle of the night, the man got up to go to the bathroom and found a huge deadly snake coiled up on the floor, ready to strike him. The next morning the host awoke to find his guest dead on the floor, lying next to a coiled up piece of large rope. He had died not of a snakebite, but of fright. He was, of course, just as dead as if the snake had been real.

Not all fears are false, but many are and even more are exaggerated in our minds.

Think back to a situation from the past that frightened you and notice both how you coped and how in practice it probably turned out to be less frightening than your fear.

Now think of a current situation you face, or a situation you have avoided because of your fear and consider how the same situation might look in twelve months time.

There is the often quoted phrase, you have nothing to fear but fear itself, and that's true sometimes, but some fears are well grounded and need to be faced with courage.

However they are rarely as bad as you believe they will be before you start to take action.

Today, you could take that action.

The critical voice is not your own

When you were born it was without thoughts of criticism or of self doubt. You didn't come into this world giving yourself, or others, a hard time. These were all approaches you had to learn, attitudes that were passed on to you. It's not your natural voice that runs you down from time to time.

We all get messages from childhood, 'pride comes before a fall' 'too big for our own boots' and they are usually well intentioned and have some truth. But their constant repetition, the negative comments of parents and those with authority can lead us to believe the self critical voice is a valid one.

Certainly hold yourself to a high standard but don't run yourself down in the processes.

And make sure what was passed on to you is not what you pass on to others.

Forgive yourself first

If it feels like this doesn't apply to you, read on, it almost certainly does.

Here is a three step process for today.

1. Write down anything you feel guilty about, something done or not done.
There are two categories:-
There are events that you can do nothing to change, no action is possible, they are past and gone.
For these situations move on to item 2.
Then there are situations where you can take appropriate action, either to make up for what you have done or where you feel you should have done something and didn't.
Here write down the action you can take and when you commit to taking it before you move on.

2. Separate yourself from your actions.
Acting stupid, and we all do, doesn't make you stupid. Screwing up doesn't make you a failure.
You are far more than your worst moments, and possibly somewhat less than your best ones.

3. Forgive yourself.
It can be a decision you make; where appropriate take the listed action first.
It can be a letter you write to yourself and then let go of by disposing of it.
It can be sharing what you are doing with a loved one, or a higher power.

Whatever it is, do it and do it today.
(My thanks to CL for helping me make sense of this idea)

A mark out of ten

This is a simple exercise which will help clarify which areas of your life you need to give attention to.

In each of the categories below give a mark of 1 to 10 to indicate your level of personal satisfaction.

Health - exercise; weight; general physical well being.
Relationships - partner; friends; family.
Activity - career; leisure; relaxation.
Finances - income; expenditure; debt.
Self esteem - how you feel about yourself.

It's an obvious conclusion to give more attention to the areas with the lowest scores.

It's also amazing how many people don't do that.

Don't confuse your career with your life.

And for those of you without a career:-

Don't confuse your relationships, your home, your hobby, your beliefs etc with your life. It's great to have priorities, it's not so good to have only one of them.

Here are some reasons for this.

A full life needs variety, too narrow a focus makes you dull to others.
Creativity thrives on variety, one area of interest helps with another.
Life opportunities are just too many to turn them all down except one.

Today, you could expand your horizons a little.

Uncle Henry

Richard Alpert, a Harvard university professor who later became a spiritual writer known as Ram Dass was sending out copies of his latest audio tape when his Dad, a noted lawyer told him he wasn't charging enough, the market would stand more. Ram Dass replied with reference to a case his Dad had undertaken for his brother, Uncle Henry which had gone to the Court of Appeal. "I guess you charged your brother a lot for your work" he said. "No of course not" replied his Dad, "He's family, he's your Uncle Henry" Ram Dass continued to pack his under priced tapes into postage bags, "Everyone is Uncle Henry to me" he said.

Who is family? There is no simple answer to that question except that we are all members of the wider human family.

Most of us are more affected by the death of a stranger in our neighbourhood than the death of a dozen unidentified people in a train crash in a foreign land.

If we really cared about the starving abroad, or in our own country, how could we sit down to a bigger and better meal than we need without feeling guilty?

We were rightly horrified when 3000 people died in the Twin Towers. A greater number die every day from malnutrition and poverty related illness.

This item doesn't even suggest answers, just suggests the questions are worth asking and considering.

Reasons and excuses

There is one big difference between a reason and an excuse.

With a reason we will accept our personal responsibility.
With an excuse we can put the blame on outside circumstances.

It's sometimes a subtle distinction but the effect of making it is significant.

If I am late because of transport problems and see that as an excuse I am less likely to apologise, less likely to make better plans next time, less likely to hold myself to a higher standard.

If I am late because of transport problems and state that as a reason I recognise I could have left earlier, that someone has been inconvenienced and I can determine to do better next time.

Today, you could decide not to make excuses, even if there are reasons.

Be what you want

No, this isn't giving permission to act regardless of the feelings of others.
But it is a statement of how cause and effect works out in relationships.

If you want to experience friendship...decide to be friendly when you meet people.
If you want to experience respect...show respect to people you come into contact with.
If you want to experience understanding...try showing more understanding of others.

And

If you want to experience anger...show anger to others, it rarely fails.
It's also true of rejection, being ignored, discounted, dismissed, etc.

It's interesting how often we act as if the opposite is true.

Why would you?

Billy Connolly, the comedian, is married to a psychotherapist. She tells of two clients of hers, a mother and daughter who were sitting in her waiting room for their appointment. Billy came by to see if she was free and in typical manner asked the two clients what their problem was. They explained that had come for therapy because they were not getting on. He replied 'Why did you ever think you would'.

Sometimes things just are the way they are, we don't take to some people, some circumstances are not as we would wish them to be, but, and here is the clue to making things better, how things are is just how things are, events don't have feelings.

To move past difficult times we need first to accept them in their current state and then we can see if improvement is a possibility.

Sometimes it isn't and then we need to recognise when a situation is unsatisfactory but not likely to change and leave it alone, spending our time and energy on things more likely to bring us rewards.

There is no rush

And even as you read this you might be thinking this idea is wrong, particularly at this time of the year. You have so much to do; so many things demand your time, so much needs to be accomplished. Yet there is a place where there is no rush; it's just that we don't often spend time there.

There is no rush in the present.

If you are truly in the here and now you can't be in a rush because that state belongs to future expectations. That's not to say the present can't be busy, the here and now can be, and usually is, very active. But that feeling of being rushed depends on some future and yet unrealised objective.

If all this seems unrealistic, try it out. Concentrate on the moment and see if things change for you. You won't get any less done and there's a good chance you will do more by making fewer mistakes.

Today, you could experiment with this.

Put off procrastination

'Procrastination is the thief of time'...don't you just hate it when old sayings turn out to be completely true.

So, right now write down three things you have been putting off.
Select one of them and decide the action you are going to take.
Take a couple of minutes to visualise how you will feel when it is completed.
Don't try and make things perfect, accept any progress however small.

If you are still struggling tell a friend of your intention and get them to hold you to it.

TNT 'Today! Not Tomorrow!

Telling the truth

Most of us are not comfortable if we tell lies to our family, our friends or even strangers.
There is something deep within us that wants to be straight with people, to tell it like it is.
It's interesting how we can forget this when it comes to our communication with ourselves.

So here is a simple exercise and if nothing comes up congratulate yourself on your honesty.

Take a piece of paper and without giving this much thought write down:
Three ways in which you lie to yourself.
Then write down the true situation that applies to each of those items.

Now, put the paper away for a week and then look again to see if the situation has changed.

If not you might want to take action to start being more honest with yourself.

Getting things wrong

In 1935 when Albert Einstein, the great mathematician, arrived at Princeton University he was asked what he would require for his study.

He replied, "A desk, some pads, a pencil, and a large wastebasket -- to hold all of my mistakes."

That is such a refreshing attitude. We live in a time when people, organisations, governments stop trying new things in case they get them wrong.

Everybody is held to account and there is nothing wrong with that in principle but we end up feeling to have tried our best and failed is unacceptable.

In the public realm it's usually the media who emphasise failure, except their own of course, and the effect trickles down to all of us in our daily life.

We can learn more from our mistakes than our successes but to do that we have to take a risk, the risk of failure.

Today, try something you might fail in, see what you learn and allow yourself to feel OK whatever the outcome.

Hire the best consultant

You deserve the best; you deserve to have the advice and support of someone who has taken the trouble to get to know you, who understands your inner thoughts, who can truly have your interests at heart.

And I know just the person for you; in fact they are reading this item right now.

For this to work you need to be able to stand back from your normal perception of yourself and look at how you are through different eyes.

Here is a suggested exercise.

Place two chairs opposite each other, or two cushions on the floor.
Occupy one space and think of an issue, a question, a problem that is currently on your mind.
In an ideal world say it out loud to the empty space, this helps but it's not essential.
Now, get up, leave the part of yourself with the problem in the original space and move to the point opposite.

Spend a few seconds allowing yourself to hear what the person opposite just said and see what insight you have to offer them.
You can swap over to keep the dialogue going for as long as there are still things to say.

If this doesn't work quickly it's probably not for you and you have just spent five minutes sitting down, no bad thing in my opinion.

There is no such thing as altruism

Altruism is defined as the unselfish concern for the welfare of others and is considered one of the highest of human qualities.

Now I'm not certain the title of this item is the truth but here is an alternative explanation for what is called altruism:-.

We all act in a way which maximises our pleasure and minimises our pain.

Someone who devotes their life to serving others, seemingly without regard for themselves, does so because that is the sort of person they see themselves as being, and to do differently would give them more overall pain than pleasure, even if self sacrifice seems to act against their interest at one level in total it must give them more pleasure than pain otherwise they wouldn't do it.

Two things flow from this understanding.

First you can take responsibility for how you act. If you feel resentment at acceding to the demands others make on you its resentment at your own standards, you are acting that way because you choose to, not because you have to.

Second if overall you only do what works, you can start to look for the payoff if you find yourself acting in ways that don't seem to serve you. You don't do things without a payoff even if that payoff may be difficult to find so look for your higher gain, approval, praise, avoiding rejection. If you can create better ways of satisfying these needs you will find it easier to change unwanted behaviours.

All that being said, sometimes there is something so magnificent in the way human beings can act it's best to be lost in wonder rather than look for a more ordinary explanation.

Cut the clutter

The approach of a New Year is a traditional time to think about clearing out clutter.

We often start with material possessions, disposing of things we no longer need and sometimes we stop there.

Here are some more areas you might want to consider for a clear out.

Emotional Clutter
The grudges you carry; the ways of acting that no longer work; the friends who leave you feeling drained; the objectives you know in your heart you are never going to devote enough energy to.

Calendar Clutter
Drop from your schedule things that no longer give you what you seek in life; cancel or don't make appointments that don't serve you; stop mortgaging your life without reward.

Trivia Clutter
We would fight to save our lives for a major threat but seem willing to let it go in bits and pieces. Enjoy the inconsequential when you decide to but also make sure it's a decision, not something that just happens.

What would you still do if you felt great about yourself?

Assume you didn't need the approval of anyone, didn't need reassurance, didn't need to meet the demands of others or please them.

How would the life you would lead under those circumstances differ from the life you lead now?

Note down the differences, these are the price you pay for relying on your transactions with others for your self esteem.

Now ask yourself simply in each case, 'Is it worth it?'

Sometimes it is, we all like positive feedback, we all like to feel accepted sometimes.

But if the price is that for a significant part of your life you are trying to meet your internal needs from external sources you might want to look to change your attitude so you can stop living a life dependant on the reactions of others, particularly since that reaction is something you can't control.

Your best qualities

Think of a time when you were at your best, when how you felt and acted were just right for the situation you were in. Perhaps you showed courage, ingenuity, compassion, understanding. Whatever these positive qualities are they are still in you and they are resources you can call upon any time you need them.

If right now you are feeling less able to deal with a difficult situation it doesn't mean that these resources have left you even if you are having difficulty in summoning them up to deal with your current circumstances.

However low you may feel the way forward is to take a leap of faith and assume you have the ability to deal with what faces you.

Today you could change that and find a way to bring the best of you to deal with whatever causes you the most concern.

The elastic band

This is a very simple reminder technique that can be used for a variety of purposes.

First find an elastic band that will fit snugly round your wrist.
Now anytime you repeat some unwanted behaviour pull the band and let it go so it stings you slightly.

Here are some suggested uses.

When you find yourself dwelling on negative thoughts that tend to bring you down.
When you are about to start an argument, be unkind to someone you love, swear at traffic lights etc.
When you fall into a familiar pattern of behaviour that you know isn't going to work for you.

Do it with style

This is a comment made by a writer about his visit to Japan. 'When I was in Tokyo, I went to see quite a poor family. They offered me a pear. It was presented like a flower, sliced into radiating petals.'

So much of what we associate with style is bound up in wealth, the fashion industry, expensive meals, fast cars and yet true style is expressed in the simplest ways as the writer found.

Today, you could look at something you regard as ordinary and decide to make it special.

Pick a quality

This exercise can be seen as a serious attempt to change something in your life or a light hearted way of making your day more interesting. It's based on a comedy improvisation technique.

Take five pieces of paper and write on each of them a way of being that would be of help to you today.
Here is a suggested list:-

Courageous
Creative
Energetic
Determined
Spontaneous

Now screw the five pieces of paper up so you don't know which is which.

At various times today, perhaps when you have something difficult to do, take one piece at random and act with the quality you have selected.

Tough enough

We all have times when we feel fragile, pushed to our limits, hanging on by our fingertips, not waving but drowning. At such times it's good to remember what we have come through, what we have already dealt with.

I don't know anyone who has not experienced difficult times but, if you are reading this, you have survived them. Battered and bruised perhaps, but you came through.

I wonder if just before you dealt with difficult times in the past you felt strong and confident, probably not. But you did deal with them and quite possibly better than you thought you would.

It's worth bearing this in mind when looking at whatever challenges you face now.

Global warming and other concerns

How worried are you about global warming? Say on a scale of 1 to 10, a high score shows a high concern.

Now, what action have you taken about this? Become carbon neutral? Insulated your home? Use the same scale.

If the second score is lower than the first score you are wasting time worrying to no good purpose.

You can apply this approach to almost any situation that concerns you.

If your level of action is less than your level of concern you might want to reassess your priorities.

How you describe it

I was discussing with a friend an aspect of my life and said of myself, 'I do enjoy taking a stand against the general trend'. 'Yes, she replied, 'you don't mind being out of fashion do you?'

I felt great about myself with my description but a bit less confident after her comment.

How we describe things does to some extent create our experience of them and here is a short experiment.

Take something that is troubling you, it doesn't have to be something major. Write a couple of lines to describe your reaction to the situation.

Now describe the situation in a more positive way, without changing or ignoring any of the facts. See if you end up feeling more resourceful.

Next repeat the exercise with a more negative description of your chosen issue. Again note any changes in feelings.

If nothing much changes, this approach is not for you. If your feelings did change you now know you have a choice, when you want to exercise it.

If you have to err-

You are never going to get everything right, life is too complex, the demands on you are too great. There are just too many decisions to be made every day.

So you are going to make mistakes, on a daily basis, it's part of the human condition. It could be time to stop beating yourself up for your errors, perfection is not possible and probably not even desirable.

Having accepted you are going to make mistakes, here is a suggestion. When you are not sure of the right thing to do, err on the side of kindness.

It won't always lead to a better decision but it will lead to a better world, for you and for those you come into contact with.

Today you could check out this way of living.

I hurt everywhere

An old joke

A man walks into a doctor's office, 'Doc, I hurt all over' he complains. He touches his leg and winces, then his earlobe 'Ouch that hurts' He goes round his body touching parts that are causing him pain. He touches his hair 'Ouch, even that hurts' he says.

The doctor replies, 'You've got a broken finger.'

Some new learning

It's very easy to make a wrong connection between a feeling we have and the event which we believe caused it. Some things are counter intuitive so it's worth asking the question 'What other possibility is there apart from the obvious one?'

If you are finding there are various areas in your life which are not working out as you would like them to try looking behind the events to see if there is a common factor you may have previously ignored. It could save you a lot of time and suffering.

A dance with my father

This is a story from an age that is almost past us but the message is still very relevant.

A friend of mine, in her 70's, told me about the time that as a young girl she went to a dance in her local village and caught up in the pleasure of the evening forgot the time by which she had agreed to be back home. 'Looked up and there was my father marching towards me' she said ' my heart sank at the thought of being summoned back. Instead, when the music ended he said 'The next, and last, dance is with me'.

'We danced together and he then escorted me out of the venue and took me home without a word of admonishment. I will never forget his kindness and I never forgot the time again.

Here is the question. Next time you have to take action you believe will be unwelcome how can you handle it in such a way that you and the other person involved are both enhanced by the experience?

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try going to bed with a mosquito

This is an old African saying and it highlights the reality that everything each of us does, big or small, makes a difference.

The chances are you will be far more aware of the differences others have made to you, the small act of kindness that changed your attitudes, your day lifted by an encouraging smile or your hopes damaged by negative comments, than you are of the difference you make to them.

It's time to be aware that you have just as much effect on the lives of other people as they do on yours, and indeed today you could chose to be proactive and have a greater and more positive effect than usual. So live today as if you make a difference, because the truth is that, like the mosquito, you do.

Referred pain

This is an interesting, if uncomfortable, medical phenonomen where following an injury or surgery pain is felt in a seemingly unconnected area. So damage to a nerve can show up as pain elsewhere in the body, where the nerve ends.

The same can be true in our emotional lives. Pain, from childhood, from relationships, from harsh treatment can express itself in unexpected ways and we may not immediately make the connection with the event which caused it. If you do find yourself feeling unexpectedly vulnerable it's worth casting the net wider than immediate events to see if there is a cause which needs attention which might at first seem unconnected.

Are you the person you want to be?

If your answer to this question is 'No' then consider the following action for today.

Sit and think about who you want to be and write down the first three ideas that come into your mind. Today, act these three ideas out, perhaps 'fake it 'till you make it' because if you are not the person you want to be only you can change that.

So act now, make the change, however small even if you only sustain it for just a day. Then before you go to bed write down how you felt taking the action today.

If this exercise has been positive for you then repeat the experience tomorrow.

Beware of trying to be the person other people want you to be. You will be in danger of losing your own identity.

"So What"

This is a quote from the artist Andy Warhol. The full quote is ""Everything is just how you decide to think about it; just say 'so what?' "

Now I'm not sure this applies to everything but then I don't believe there are any rules or attitudes that apply in all circumstances. It's part of the challenge of being fully human that we have to allow for new reactions and responses to each situation that arises.

But I do think the ability to say 'So What' is a good skill to have in your life. We often make more of things, particularly setbacks and insults, than they deserve.

Think today about something you could, and should, let go of and then practice shrugging your shoulders and saying, preferably out loud, 'So What.'

Borg and McEnroe

At Wimbledon this year there was an interview with Bjorn Borg and John McEnroe. The interviewer asked Borg how he felt about having his five successive Wimbledon wins equaled by Roger Federer. Borg said he was fine about it and noticed McEnroe shaking his head in disbelief. He turned to his old tennis foe and said 'John, you and I are just very different people.'

It's an interesting thought, how much of who we are can be changed and how much is hardwired into our make up? The answer varies with each individual but there are certainly some aspects of who people are that are unchangeable and it would be good to recognise that particularly if you are in a relationship with them. Some things can be changed. Some have to be accepted and lived with.

Today you could be more aware of that and perhaps you will stop feeling like you are bashing your head against a brick wall, not because the wall has changed but because you have stopped hitting it.

What is the most difficult thing you have to do today?

This item is about taking action, particularly on things you have been putting off.
Here are some clues about where it might apply.

If your number one 'thing to do today' was the same yesterday, and perhaps the day before.

If your number one 'thing to do today' will be on your mind until you have completed it.

If your number one 'thing to do today' wasn't urgent a while ago but is urgent now.

Then whatever it is, do it first, do it now, get it out of your life and move on.

It's never too late to say sorry

Is there something uncompleted between you and another person that is mostly your responsibility? Perhaps you have not acted in accordance with your usual standards, maybe you have been misunderstood and, yes, there will be some occasions when you recognise you just behaved badly.

If the person is still around in your life and if the relationship is one that allows for an apology to be given it may be time to swallow some pride, say a simple sorry and express the wish that things can now move on between you.

But what if direct contact is no longer possible? What, for example, if the other person has died? 

You can still say sorry because what you need to let go of to complete the relationship is the part that is stuck in you and that doesn't require the active involvement of the other party. You don't need to be forgiven by anyone except yourself. You can say sorry by a thought, by a written but unsent letter, by a resolve to take an appropriate action, by confiding your intention in someone you trust but ultimately if you don't forgive yourself the process won't be complete

Today, you could forgive yourself for a past wrong you feel responsible for.

If everything was -

If everything was just the way you want it how would you spend the next twenty-four hours?

Have you ever found yourself thinking or saying, 'when XYZ happens then I will be able to move on?' It's so easy to put your life on hold until a particular wish is realised or a particular event occurs.

Your answer to this question could help you realise what is available to you right here and right now, without waiting. It might not be everything you want but it will probably be far more than you imagined.

So see where the gaps are between your dream and how you are now living and look for ways to bridge them without having to wait for an event over which you have no control.

What is the purpose of fear?

Here are two seemingly conflicting statements:-

'We have nothing to fear but fear itself' and 'Fear is never groundless.'

It's true that most fears never materialise, they are often based on misunderstanding, on a lack of appropriate information. Even if they do turn out to be valid their effects are rarely as bad as we imagine.

But it is worth asking what message our fear is sending us because often it's not the obvious one. A fear of being late may have behind it a fear of being judged by others, of letting people down, of not being loved. You will have your own examples.

It's worth identifying the underlying feeling and looking at appropriate ways of dealing with it otherwise it will continue to come up in different disguises.

1st question : What is my fear trying to tell me? Look for the message behind the example.

2nd question : What name can I give to this fear? Try finding words that are kind to you.

3rd question : What action can I take in response? Time to get determined and creative.

This can be a painful process and you might want to see who can support you in it.

What might you regret not having done this time next year?

Just imagine yourself in twelve months time looking back over the year ahead.

What opportunities would you want to have seized?
What dreams would you wish you had fulfilled?
What would you have done if you had more time?
What would you have done if you had more courage?
What risk might you wish you had taken?
What excitement might you think you had missed out on?

If you want to do anything then do it at the first possible opportunity.
So, what might you regret not having done this time next week?

What puts you in a great mood?
What puts you in a bad mood?

Sometimes life can be really simple; some things make us feel great, some have the opposite effect.

Write down three things that come to mind in answer to each question, more if you want but three should do it.

Now, the next question, where does your time and attention go in relation to this list of six items?

We all have to do things we don't like from time to time but if your proportions are not of the order of 80% of time and attention on the things that put you in a great mood and 20 % or less on those that put you in a bad mood you need to do one of two things, or possibly both.

Change the priorities of your life so you spend more time on things that make you feel good.
And/or
Find ways of making the things you have to do but don't particularly enjoy a lot more fun.

My experience of cancer

Back in 2007 I was diagnosed with cancer from which I am pleased to say I have now recovered. I learnt a lot from the experience, from my reaction to chemotherapy and from my major surgery. Here are some of the notes I wrote.

Everything passes

The good times, the bad times, nothing, including life, lasts forever. There is challenge and comfort in that thought, probably in equal measure.

There is only here and now

If I don't appreciate the present, the kindness of friends, the support of my loved ones and yes, even my chemotherapy which is here to shrink my tumour, then I miss out on a part of my life that will never come again and each moment is too precious not to fully experience it.

There is a big difference between meaning and learning

I don't think my cancer has any purpose, I didn't cause it, and it's just something that turned up. But it has the ability to teach me a lot and I'm going to get the best learning I can from it.

Experiencing what happens is more important that what happens

Realising this has been something of a relief. I've always had objectives, a long 'to do' list and currently my only objective is this 'Whatever happens, get the best from it.

When you are going through hell, walk quickly

I'm learning through techniques of distraction, humour, reaching out to others, to speed up the passage of the difficult times and through increased awareness to enjoy to the full the times of pain free relaxation. Does this conflict with what I wrote about the 'here and now'? Yes, in part and I've also learnt that there is no one description that works for every aspect of life. I love the inconsistencies and seeming contradictions.

Don't wait for the evening to appreciate the day

This speaks for itself but I do want to add a John Lennon quote, the truth of which I realise more every day,
'Life is what happens to you while you're busy making other plans.'

When do you find yourself smiling?

A dear friend of mine moved from the UK to Morocco a couple of years ago. Last year, after she visited the UK to see family and friends I asked her how it felt to be back in Morocco after her trip. She said it had been a long and tiring return journey but as she sat in the taxi approaching her still relatively new home she 'found herself smiling.' It is such a good way of describing an experience which just feels right.

Today, you could look out for such a feeling, with places, with activities, with people. What 'just feels right' to you, what bypasses your thinking and because you find yourself smiling you know you are where you want to be, doing what you want to do and being with someone you want to be with.

And if you don't have that experience today what changes would you need to make to move towards feeling that way tomorrow?

A different approach

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then the new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every dustbin they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recessions really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?" "A quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think were going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're mad! No way, we quit!" And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

Today you could find an interesting and novel approach to an issue you are facing, and make yourself and others smile in the process.

Shackles on or shackles off?

This question comes from the work of the American author Martha Beck and it's a challenge to choose what works best for us in life. When we are shackled we are confined and restricted in our movement and sometimes in our thoughts, we have our personal freedom curtailed and as a result can feel hemmed in and unable to be ourselves. It's an uncomfortable feeling which can cause irritation and resentment. It's true for most of us that a life of total freedom is neither obtainable nor desirable, we have commitments, often a home to look after, family or friends who we want to keep in touch with. But we also don't want to end up with a life where every moment is accounted for by the expectations of others, by maintaining things that may not always support us.

So this question is one to ask first about anything or anyone new that enters our life, does this add to my freedom or restrict it? Is it shackles on or shackles off?

Then perhaps it would be worth asking the same question about things or people that are already in your life, is it, are they, shackles on or shackles off?

It will take courage to make changes and also courage not to if you decide some restrictions are worth having for the benefit they give.

Which way do the scales tip?

This is a fun approach to decision making and like most things on this site it will work for some people some of the time and with others it will just pass them by. It's most useful when you have a simple choice between two alternatives. For example, you can't decide whether to stay in or go out tonight; to drive somewhere or walk the distance. Sometimes relatively unimportant decisions can take a disproportionate amount of time.

One approach is to consider the advantages and disadvantages of each option, weigh these up and reach a rational conclusion. It's a fine way to decide although it can be time consuming.

Another approach is just to close your eyes and imagine a set of old fashioned scales with a tray on either side. Place one option on each tray and decide that the lighter option is the one you will go for. Then release the scales and see which way they tip.

At the very least your reaction will give insight into your true feelings.

A useful question to ask about food

There are probably more books written about weight and diet than about any other subject, and I won't be adding to the number with this short item. However some people have found the distinction below helpful when it comes to weight loss so I am happy to pass it on.

We, all of us, eat for three reasons, hunger, habit or emotion and it's good to know which of the three is around when we are having a snack or a meal.

Hunger - its very rare anyone in the Western World feels hunger unless they are on a very strict diet. So it might be of help to stop using that word to describe your feeling when you want food.

Habit - a far more likely reason to eat, and drink. We set ourselves up with patterns and our body becomes accustomed to them. Not a bad thing but it's good to be aware of what is going on.

Emotion - another very likely cause of eating and drinking and the most complex one to understand or change. Food does alter our mood but there are other ways of doing that which don't put on weight!

Making these distinctions probably won't solve any weight or eating issues but it might be of help and there's no downside in trying.

Your life won't go according to plan if you don't have a plan

There are two ways of looking at this and both could be of help and support depending on the circumstances.

First, if you don't have a plan you are less likely to be disappointed. If you don't have expectations nothing can fall short of them. As I have quoted elsewhere on the site, 'disappointment take adequate planning'. Many self help experts talk about goal setting and while this can certainly be a valuable tool sometimes its best to just go with the flow, to enjoy the journey without being sure of the destination, to live a life that allows you to be surprised by joy.

At other times, when you want to achieve something specific, a plan of action can be the best tool you have. The more detailed it is as to the time involved, the resources required and the small steps that need to be taken towards your chosen destination the more likely you are to get there.

Two very different approaches, both have value and the life skill is in choosing which one is appropriate for which aspects of your life.

When do you really enjoy yourself?

When do you just have fun? When do you relax and let go? If you can't think of at least three situations which occur regularly in your life when you can do this it could be an area that needs attention. Take a couple of minutes to make a list, in your head or on paper, and perhaps ask yourself the question 'In what extra ways could I enjoy myself if I chose to?'

And there is a second meaning to this question. When do you really enjoy yourself? When do you enjoy just being you, not because of what you are doing, not because of your connection with other people but because you showed up in the world and have the experience that being you is fun. Whatever your situation you are a unique human being with an ability to enjoy your own company and today you could spend some time doing just that.

It's interesting that often the more you like being with you the more other people have that experience as well.

Good news or bad news?

Robert De Vincenzo, the great Argentine golfer, once won a tournament and, after receiving the check and smiling for the cameras, he went to the clubhouse and prepared to leave. Some time later, he walked alone to his car in the parking lot and was approached by a young woman.

She congratulated him on his victory and then told him that her child was seriously ill and near death. She did not know how she could pay the doctor's bills and hospital expenses.

De Vincenzo was touched by her story, and he took out a pen and endorsed his winning check for payment to the woman. "Make some good days for the baby," he said as he pressed the check into her hand.

The next week he was having lunch in a country club when a Professional Golf Association official came to his table. "Some of the boys in the parking lot last week told me you met a young woman there after you won that tournament." De Vincenzo nodded. "Well," said the official, "I have news for you. She's a phony. She has no sick baby. She's not even married. She fleeced you, my friend."

"You mean there is no baby who is dying?" said De Vincenzo.

"That's right," said the official.

"That's the best good news I've heard all week." De Vincenzo said.

It depends on how you see things. You can be bitter after being cheated. Or you can choose to move on with your life.

(Thank you Relna for passing on this life enhancing story.) 

Happiness (1)

A group of tourists sits in a bus that is passing through beautiful countryside; lakes and mountains and green fields and rivers. But the shades of the bus are pulled down so they do not have the slightest idea of what lies outside. All their time is spent in squabbling over who will have the best seat, who is the most powerful, who is the most popular. And so it continues till the journey's end. (Anthony de Mello).

It's so easy to be so over involved in the details of life that we miss the beauty that lies all around us. True happiness doesn't come from the temporary satisfactions of power, money and popularity or even from having friends and good health. If that seems difficult to accept think of people who have a lot of these things and who are still not happy. Then think of people who lack many on that list and yet seem to be happy in their life.

In truth there is nothing external you have to get in order to be happy but so many of us think there is that it's become a generally accepted truth, aided, of course by the media and the advertising industry. The satisfaction that comes through achievement is, at best, temporary, that time of happiness when you have achieved something you want rarely lasts and the next thing on the list becomes your focus.

If you go through life trying to make yourself happy then happiness will almost certainly elude you. By all means strive for what you want but first, appreciate what you already have and then realise that most of the pleasure is in the striving, not in the getting.

Happiness (2)

Here is a well researched short cut to happiness; give to someone else and it's your happiness that will increase, usually along with theirs.

In a university experiment (University of British Columbia) participants were each given $20 dollars. Half were told to treat themselves to a self-indulgent present, and the others to spend their unexpected windfall on someone else. Participants who spent the money on others were significantly happier that those who treated themselves to luxury gifts. 

There is good clinical research via brain scanning to explain this. That part of your brain which is activated when you see others being helped by your efforts is the same part that is activated when your own needs are met. So, helping others has a direct effect on your brain that, in turn, makes you happier.

There are many good reasons to reach out and help other people but it's great to know that whatever the other reasons you are likely to feel good as a result. And if that's the only reason for doing it...it's still being done.

You can't fake action (1)

There is an old joke that goes 'What's important in life is sincerity, once you can fake that you can fool anybody'.

Sometimes it's difficult to know why people do things; sometimes it's even difficult to know why we ourselves do things. Human motivation is complicated and we can seek to fool others and ourselves with our good intentions. What is real, what is pretended? Do I smile in greeting at someone I don't want to see? Do I give money to a man in the street who asks for my help out of a sense of guilt or out of the goodness of my heart?  Do I reach out to others because I really care or because I want to look good?

It is possible to fake our intentions but consider this; it's not really possible to fake our actions.

Some years ago a US telecoms company made a promise to donate a percentage of its profits to charity and announced it in an advert.

"You may think we are doing this for the publicity, you may think we are doing it to get more business, you may think we are doing it so we will feel good about ourselves....what does it matter...we're doing it'.

Sometimes it's best not to stop to think about your intentions, in the end it's doing it that makes the difference.

You can't fake action (2)

Story One

The driver swerved to avoid to avoid a stray animal and, his reaction, dulled by alcohol, was too slow to see the little girl emerging from a gate. He would remember the sound of the impact for the rest of his life, a life dominated by the shame of his failure to stop and offer help. His financial support of a child in a third world country was an inadequate attempt to assuage his guilt.

Story Two

They were both amazed at their good fortune; they had played the national lottery with the same numbers for years and never had a win of any sort. The 0's on the cheque seemed to go on forever and they felt so happy that their lives would be changed. They wanted their fortune to benefit others and so signed up to give financial support, remarkably small considering their new wealth, to a child far away.

Story 3

The elderly lady felt she has lost everything after the death of her husband, her son now lived on the other side of the world and most of their friends had passed on. She knew she needed to cut back on her spending just to survive but felt the continued support of 'their' child in foreign lands was an ongoing connection to the happy marriage she and her husband had shared.

A few thousand miles away three children played together after their school lessons while their parents watched and reflected on the fortune of the education now available. They knew little of the origin of the funds that supported their village and probably would not have cared even if they had been told.
Sometimes it's best not to stop to think about the intentions of others when it's what they do that makes the difference.

Why is our 'fate' usually negative?

It's interesting to notice when people refer to things that are 'meant to be', events that they describe as 'fate', they are more often than not talking about something that has gone wrong rather than something that has turned out well. This isn't the place to debate whether such 'fate' exists, everyone will have their own view on that and as with most deeply held views it's usually best to leave them be rather than raise the energy in the situation by mounting a direct challenge, unless asked to. But that doesn't stop the art of gentle questioning and the association of fate with negative news is worth exploring.

Perhaps it's just we like to think what goes wrong is nothing to do with us whereas we are more than willing to take the credit for things that turn out well.

Perhaps it's a way of avoiding facing our disappointments, the idea of some guiding force behind it all suggests whatever happens is all for the best.

Maybe we are shifting the responsibility for our mistakes from ourselves to something external to us over which we have no control.

Whatever the reasons it's interesting to consider why we so often credit this power with causing things to go wrong and how little we stop to give thanks for what has gone right.

We mostly make allowances for what we can see

In every country in the world there are laws preventing physical abuse
While the detail might vary, in some countries it's against to law to smack and in others that's allowed, but real physical violence is always illegal, and rightly so. But there are few laws that protect children from emotional abuse, the infant who is not held, the toddler who is constantly criticised, the child who is never told they are loved, indeed often told the opposite. The same authorities who would take action when a bruised child comes to school are powerless to act when a child is withdrawn or not able to connect socially.

Similarly if we see someone in a wheelchair we don't expect them to climb the stairs, if we see someone using a crutch then we are unlikely to ask them to run to catch a bus. Because physical problems show up we tend to make allowances. But how many of us have expected someone with emotional problems, someone who doesn't process information as we do, someone who lacks empathy skills, how often have we expected them to make more of an effort, to act in an a way that is no more possible for them that it is for a blind person to read a book in the way a sighted person can.

There are no easy answers here. It's right that we should encourage each other to do our very best despite the problems life has thrown at us but equally if we show less sympathy for someone just because their problems are not physically evident are we not making the same mistake as the state makes over emotionally deprived children?

Can this be measured?

It's a very human characteristic to measure things, sometimes using numbers 'I've been waiting for 15 minutes', 'I've told you 10 times' sometimes in a more general way, 'this has been going on for months',  'I'm getting more and more impatient'. We check how much weight we have lost, how much money we have to last us to our next payday, how many miles there are to go to the end of our journey.

There is another human tendency, what you can measure you usually try to improve. If we had only a rough idea of sports records then going faster or throwing longer would not be a clear target and equally if we have a general aim of losing weight or working harder we are less likely to make the required effort and less likely to get to where we want to go, notice how far we have gone on the journey and, sometimes, even notice when we have arrived.

Being specific about our aims, making targets clear is one of the best motivators there is. Here are some examples.

I need to get up earlier is not as motivating as I need to get up by 7.00am.

I want to shed some weight motivates less than I want to drop 6lbs in the next month or be size 10 by the 25th.

I have to have more money is an objective that can never be satisfied, I will add 25% to my earnings by this time next year is much better.

When there is something you want to achieve, a change you want to make, try to make it as specific as possible, put some numbers to it, put a date on it. It makes it much more likely you will get to where you want to go and having a way of measuring your progress may well add to the enjoyment of the journey.

Why do we give what we really want to receive?

There is what is called 'The Golden Rule', treat others as you want to be treated and in many ways that's sound advice and the world would be a far better place if we all acted that way. But it's not foolproof and it might be good to look behind the idea at what sometimes happens in practice.

Sometimes in treating people the way we want to be treated we are doing literally that, treating them as we want rather than as they want. For example, someone might love receiving gifts and so shower their loved one with presents when that person does not really enjoy getting gifts. There are many men who 'solve' the problems their women partners present in conversation when in fact the women don't want solutions, they want to be heard. But the men want solutions, and want to be the source of such solutions and so that is what they give, what they themselves want. Similarly many a woman has sought to show her love by cooking food for a partner who might well prefer to go for a brisk walk or have a conversation about a problem they face.

It's worth looking at how you 'give' to those close to you and perhaps checking they are getting what they want rather than having to put up with what you want to give.

'How can I help?' is a great question to ask to elicit a response which makes what another person wants very clear.

The wow experience

This is a great story by Rob Gilbert, I don't have anything to add other than 'thank you' to Relna for passing it to me.

'Last spring I was walking in a park. A short distance ahead of me was a mom and her three-year-old daughter. The little girl was holding on to a string that was attached to a helium balloon. All of a sudden, a sharp gust of wind took the balloon from the little girl. I braced myself for some screaming and crying. But, no! As the little girl turned to watch her balloon go skyward, she gleefully shouted out, "Wow"

I didn't realize it at that moment, but that little girl taught me something. Later that day, I received a phone call from a person with news of an unexpected problem. I felt like responding with "Oh no, what should we do?" But remembering that little girl, I found myself saying, "Wow, that's interesting! How can I help you?"

One thing's for sure - life's always going to keep us off balance with its unexpected problems. That's a given. What's not preordained is our response. We can choose to be frustrated or fascinated. No matter what the situation, a fascinated "Wow!" will always beat a frustrated "Oh, no."

So the next time you experience one of life's unexpected gusts, remember that little girl and make it a "Wow!" experience. The "Wow!" response always works.'

An hour a day

It's a general characteristic of human beings that we overestimate what we can achieve in a day and underestimate what we can achieve in a year.

If you think of something you have always wanted to be able to do, speak a new language, improve your computer skills, write a book, get fit, and then imagine you have the luxury of being given two whole months to devote full time to that, eight hours a day, five days a week for eight weeks. Just think of the level of skill you could have. You might even choose to go for more than one of your wishes, a month studying cooking would make you a real force in the kitchen and then, say, a month learning to play tennis or golf. It might not make you a champion but you would certainly be winning more matches.

So what if all you did was spend an hour a day on your chosen subject or subjects for the next year? Well in twelve months from now you would have spent even more time learning and practicing than if you had taken two months off to spend on this full time.

Makes you think doesn't it.

Today you could make a start by spending an hour on an activity of your choice.

Procrastination

Like most things on this website this idea won't work for everybody and won't apply to every situation but there are certainly circumstances and individuals where it can be of help. If you find you keep putting things off, this article could be for you.

A lot of people have trouble getting started on something, even if it's something they want or feel they have to do. But, and this is the interesting bit, it's usually only individuals who postpone what needs doing, groups very rarely procrastinate. There does then seem to be a connection between putting things off and loneliness. Not with being on your own in a general sense but with being on your own with a particular task. Of course a lot of things you have to accomplish on your own but that doesn't mean you can't have other people involved in moving towards completion.

If you are having trouble with starting something than either look to see if you can get someone else on your side, either to do it with you, an exercise schedule is more often kept to if shared, or find someone to whom you can give your word about your intentions and who will be, gently, on your case.

What is it you have delayed doing for too long?

What do you have trouble starting?

Try getting someone else involved and see if it makes a difference.

Five minute action plans

We have all had times when, faced with something that needs doing, even something we want done, we seem to lack the energy or motivation to get started. On some occasions it's because the time is just not right for us and so we need to postpone our action, maybe making a mental note of when to start. But there are also times when we are just feel a bit tired or unmotivated while at the same time having a sense that once we get started we will be pleased.

A five minute action plan is a way of testing that state. If you make an internal promise to yourself that you can stop after five minutes a lot of the negative thinking about tiredness falls away, you can always keep going for five minutes and that's all you are asking of yourself.

So, if you give it your best shot you might well be surprised at how much you can achieve in five minutes of concentrated action and at the end of that time you will have a better sense of wanting to keep going or of feeling it's right to stop.

Today you could test that out with something you have been putting off.

The tigers and the strawberry

There is an old story of a man walking across a field when suddenly a tiger appears and begins to give chase. The man runs but the tiger is closing in. As he gets to a cliff edge he grabs a trailing vine and jumps over to escape. Holding on as tight as he can he sees the angry tiger prowling above him. In the valley some 20 feet below there are two more tigers seeming to wait for his fall. He looks to his side and two mice, one white and one black come out of a crevice in the cliffside and begin gnawing on the vine he is holding. As they chew the vine starts to come apart and he knows he is going to fall. Just then he sees a single strawberry growing just a short distance away from him. Holding the breaking vine with one hand he reaches over to pick the strawberry and put it in his mouth. He is overwhelmed with the taste, he has never eaten anything so good.

This is, of course, a metaphor; it's a story about the importance of living in the moment and very few of us can or ever will be able to live in the here and now to that degree. But sometimes, in our busy lives, it is good to stop for a moment to check we are fully involved in whatever it is we are doing.
Sometimes the involvement is more important than the activity but how often do we spend time deciding what we want to do and then forget to enjoy it to the full because we are planning what to do next.
How often do we not have pleasure in the moment because of some unresolved issue in the past or some thought for the future?

Today you could look out for an unexpected strawberry and really get to taste it.

A better way to argue

Genuine disagreements are an inevitable consequence of living in a society and/or of being in a relationship. Of course it's quite possible to get on well with someone but see some things differently from them, although that seems more difficult when it involves groups of people, ethnic groups, special interest groups and even more tricky for nation states. It seems the more distant we feel from other people the easier it is for us to see them as wrong and sometimes even as bad. The more people involved the more difficult it can be to find a resolution.

You have probably heard others say 'If the entire world became...' or 'If everybody followed...' and there may be some truth in that, it's certainly our differences that cause our conflicts. But then you may also have heard the phrase 'there will always be wars as long as families quarrel' and I think that's also true. It seems that if we can move towards dealing with genuine disagreements with those to who we are close we may end up contributing to a better model of genuine co-existence.

Being able to argue the opposite to a belief you hold seems to be a key skill in reducing disagreements, or at least in lessening the emotions associated with difference of opinion. Perhaps next time you are running though a familiar area where you and another person see things differently you could agree to swap sides for a while and explain the point of view of the person who disagrees with you. For sure you will end up with a better understanding of what the opposite point of view to yours feels like and you may both start to feel a little less certain or at least a little less attached to your own position.

Today you could have some fun trying this one out.

It's very difficult to help someone else without also helping yourself

For the majority of people reaching out to offer support to another human being gives them a good feeling as well. I'm not talking about the sort of self sacrifice that make people feel they are martyrs; I'm not referring to the 'just see what I have done for you' approach; I'm talking about the sense of connection we feel from our shared humanity when we do something for another person and expect nothing in return. A true act of kindness which seeks no reward.

We may not do it to gain a benefit, we may get nothing back directly except perhaps a 'thank you' and sometimes not even that, but we do get a feeling we have expressed something positive about ourselves. There is an underlying and sometimes unconscious message of 'I'm that sort of person' which does us good in a world so full of negativity.

We may have many reasons for acting kindly but even if we do so just so we can feel good it's still a positive act and kindness to another is always worth expressing, whatever the motive.

Today you could do yourself a favour and reach out and help someone else.

Just because you need to doesn't mean you have to

This is an item for people to whom having a choice is very important, and that's not everyone. For some people being told what to do is a relief, having to make a choice is a pressure, and there's nothing wrong with that; we human beings come in many different colours, shapes and sizes so it's no surprise we also come with many different attitudes to life, different beliefs and different preferences.

But if you are someone for whom freedom to choose is essential this way of looking at life might be of help. The suggestion here is that everything is in fact a choice, even life itself. There are, of course, advantages and disadvantages to every choice but even if the odds are overwhelmingly in favour of a particular course of action it's still a choice. You can decide to go against the trend, against the odds, to not do what you need to do, provided you are prepared to deal with the consequences.

This will seem very theoretical to some people but it's important to others because it enables them to own what happens to them in their lives, to choose to do what they need to do and thus recognise they do have the freedom to do otherwise, even if, in reality, it's a freedom they would never decide to act on.

You don't eat an elephant the same way you cross a chasm

There's an old joke which asks the question 'how do you eat an elephant?' to which the answer is 'bit by bit'. There is also a quote 'You can't cross a chasm in a series of small steps. Both ideas are valid for some situations and inappropriate in other situations. The trick is in choosing the right approach and not just doing what has always worked in the past.

Some people are naturally attracted by a step by step approach; they tend to be organised, patient and usually quite logical. Others, often people who feel things more strongly and who tend to get impatient for progress want to act in a more dramatic way so that their goal is achieved in the minimum of time. The step by step types do sometimes give up because progress is too slow and the instant results people can lose interest if they don't get what they want immediately. There is of course value in each approach; it depends on the subject being dealt with.

So if you fall easily into either of the categories mentioned it could be worth exploring the alternative from time to time. The more ways you have of getting to where you want to be the more likely you are to arrive.

Oxford and Cambridge

In the UK there is an annual boat race between two of our top universities, Oxford and Cambridge. It's a tradition going back over 100 years and rowing in the winning team is a much sought after prize. Now if anyone doubts the connection between physical state and mental state they should have a look at the crews at the end of the race. Both sets of rowers have used up about the same energy, indeed it's arguable that the winning team has spent more of themselves because they have covered the course more quickly. But when you look at the teams you don't need to ask who won and who came second. The winners are the ones with the energy to hug each other, to row to the shore and stand erect to form a line to welcome back the team that has lost. That team are the ones who slump forward, have trouble even acknowledging their colleagues and take their time rowing to the bank before hauling their tired bodies on to dry land.

Very few of us get to use that level of energy but most of us get tired from time to time, either physically or mentally and it's worth reminding ourselves that a change of attitude, an adjustment in posture could make a big difference in how we approach whatever we have to do next.

Today you could think, act and stand like a winner, even when you don't achieve your goals. It does make a difference.

In what way are you contributing to your own suffering?

This is not an item to give the reader an excuse to beat themselves up for anything that has gone wrong in their life but the very process of doing that could be an example of an answer to this question. I don't subscribe to the view that we always cause what happens to us but I do believe we have some responsibility for how we respond to what goes on in our lives and answering this question may help to make that response a more positive one.

There is an expression, 'don't massage your problems' which means don't give the difficult things in your life more time and attention than they deserve. It's so easy when faced with an issue to let it dominate your thoughts and actions and that's a way in which we can contribute to our own suffering. It might be worth taking an issue that troubles you and asking how you are contributing to your own suffering, you may find this helps reduce the level of discomfort you feel.

Today you could stop being long suffering and start to shorten your suffering.

Creating a better understanding

Sometimes it's very difficult to tell another person how you are feeling in a way that will get them to fully understand what is going on for you. That's often because people, however close they may be to each other, are fundamentally different. This is most true about men and women but also true about people of the same gender. Let me use an example.

Imagine you are trying to explain your fear of heights to someone who loves to climb mountains. They may well accept you are frightened of something that gives them great pleasure but that won't give them a sense of emotional connection. Far better to choose an example that relates to them and which is likely to produce a similar feeling in them, albeit for a different reason. Thus in the example given it might be better to explain a fear of heights by reference to a possible fear of enclosed spaces by the mountaineer.

'When I'm standing high up and looking over the edge I get the same sort of feeling you describe when you feel trapped in a restricted space' might well be a better way of getting your point across than just saying 'I'm scared of heights/flying/spiders/public speaking'.

And of course if you don't know what experience gives someone else the same feeling you could ask them.

Today you could experiment with explaining something to another person using a situation that provokes similar feelings in them.

An element of chance

There are a couple of interesting ways you can introduce an element of chance into your life without taking an unnecessary risk.

The first is for when you are faced with a number of possibilities or a list of things that need doing but without the real motivation to start doing them. It can be fun to write down each item, cut them into separate strips and then fold each one up so they all look roughly the same or at least until you can't tell which is which. You can then choose one, at random, and that becomes your decision or the first thing you are going to do and you act on it.

The second idea is to write up a list of your personal strengths and even include some you feel you don't have but might wish you did. You can add to that a list of things and people that are important in your life and again separate each item and fold so they all look the same. It's also worth making or finding an attractive container to keep these pieces of paper in because these items are going to be used again and again.

When you are faced with a situation which is a bit of a challenge its worth taking one piece of paper to find a quality or resource you have written earlier and seeing how the one you have drawn can be of help with whatever you face.

I'm not suggesting any magic here so if you haven't drawn something that helps put if back and take another one.

(Thanks to my God Daughter, Amelie for giving me my own box of resources.)

What is reality?

We usually think of reality as just being what happens, that's simple and easy to understand. I missed my train and was late for work, that's reality. I went to the cinema and saw a great film, another reality. This works for most people and it's a simple approach to life, you know where you stand, life may be easy or life may be hard but you are being real.

But just suppose it was different, that what happens isn't reality for you or for anyone else.

Something happens and we react to it and it could be argued that if reality is the event then everyone would react to it in the same way, but of course they don't. What is seen as a disaster by one person becomes an exciting challenge to another, what makes one person abandon can make another press forward and the same glass can be half full or half empty according to who is looking at it.

So perhaps reality for an individual is not what happens but how they react to it, perhaps the event is less real than how we choose to see it, perhaps our reaction is the true reality, not the event?

It could be interesting to carry this thought with you today.

Waiting for something to start

It's very natural to look forward to something good you expect to happen, it's also typical to feel apprehensive before having to face up to a difficult situation. In each case there is the time between knowing something is going to occur and when it starts. These can be short periods, you are packed and ready 30 mins before you are being picked up, or longer, the important interview is a week away. Sometimes they can be very far away, e.g. you retire in three years time.

Whatever the time period you have a choice about how to use it and let's start by saying there is nothing wrong with anticipating the pleasurable or making plans to deal with the upcoming challenges. But how often have you put real progress on hold because of an event which hasn't yet happened? How often have you spent time just being frustrated because you are waiting for something? Add all those periods up and it comes to a tidy amount of time each year, or for some of us, every day.

There is a sense in which you can't actually waste time, it just goes on ticking away regardless of what you are doing, but you can choose to spend it wisely and a good start to that could be by enjoying and making good use of the time before something you are expecting actually starts.

Bad news, bad news

There are quite a number of items on this website about how we see the world through our own filter but there are also times when we add to that the filter of other people and of organisations. Perhaps the biggest example, certainly the least explored, is the bias of the media, newspapers, television, radio and internet reporting and blogging. We are usually aware of the political leanings of our sources of information, there are newspapers which support a mostly right wing view and some, although a lot less with a left wing bias. The same applies to individual reporters and quite often we choose our media source according to our own political and social views. Nothing wrong with that, we tend to choose our friends and relationships based on some degree of similarity.

What can get lost in this is the wider bias of reporting, the agenda of the media, and that can have a damaging effect on us as individuals and on our societies in general. In brief the media agenda is to gain viewers, listeners, readers and in following that objective they focus on the bad news rather than the good news. They focus on conflict rather than co-operation, not exclusively so but it is a clear tendency. Where there is controversy there is the media and sometimes behind the controversy is the media as well, in other words they can be guilty of creating news where objectively none or little exists.

Look at the tight in shot of extremist meetings or demonstrations, it makes it very difficult to judge how much support they are actually getting, their angry faces fill our screens and are seen as representing whole movements when they are often peripheral and, dare I say it, without the media attention, unimportant. And of course the very people who are charged with the responsibility to investigate bias, i.e. the media, so often fail to do so when their own interests are at stake.

This is a large topic and it is not the purpose of this site to campaign on this or any other matter. But because our state is affected by what we read, listen to and watch, it can be worthwhile asking the question 'To what extent is this situation amplified or even created by the media to gain my interest?' Being aware of this could make a difference to how you see the world and how you allow it to affect your life.

Adding one word

We have all faced difficult challenges in the past, many of us face them right now and certainly we will all face them in the future. There are very few people who haven't said to themselves and usually to others as well, 'I can't do that'. The trouble is this is an absolute judgment, it's a statement not just of a current reality but of the future. It may well be an accurate reflection, a current feeling, but because of the emotion behind it our perception of the future can become distorted. It means not only can you not do something now you are certain you can never do it.

This isn't going to be a 'you can do anything' article, what you are saying is real, for the present. The suggestion is that by adding a short three letter word the statement can still be true of the present but leave open the possibility of future positive change. I can't do that...yet' is a very different approach, it does describe your reality but it doesn't judge your future. It allows for change, for progress and for the realisation of seemingly impossible dreams.

Today you could add the word 'yet' any time you think or say 'I can't do that', it will make a difference.
(Thank you Bruce for this excellent idea.)

Important thoughts

I have a very dear friend who is far from well and who has been contemplating the end of his life. These are some of the thoughts he shared with me at the start of 2011. I think they are worth passing on.

Have the courage to live - anyone can die.

Cowards die many times before their death. The valiant never taste of death but once.

Everyone wants to live for a long time, but no one wants to be old.

The best thing about getting old is that all those things I couldn't have when I was young, I no longer want.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

The closing years of life are like the end of a masquerade party when the masks are dropped.

Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and to act anyway.

The reason people are afraid to die is that they never really lived.

The only people without problems are in the cemeteries.

Every friend you ever had started as a stranger.

True love is the acceptance of all that is, is not, has been, has not been, will be and will not be.

Anger is only one letter short of 'danger'.

The fear of death keeps us from living, not from dying.

(John, thank you for these thoughts, our friendship will contniue for as long as our lives.)

A useful word to add

Very few things are completely true and it's often the exceptions that make life interesting. So while the way you describe something does help to create your experience of it there is only so far that idea can take you. A naked man in a howling gale is having an experience that words alone will not change. There is an approach to affirmations, phrases you say to yourself, that you state, in the present what it is you want as if you already had it. 'I am strong and confident' when you feel very far from that. This can create a conflict because you are saying something that isn't true whereas 'I am becoming stronger and more confident' or even 'I am working on becoming stronger and more confident' has the advantage of being true and pointing to a larger truth that doesn't exist, yet.

We all feel disempowered sometimes, we all have areas of weakness, there are things we feel we can't do. The simple suggestion here is just to add the word 'yet' to any statements of things you feel are beyond you. It doesn't conflict with reality but it does hold out the possibility of future change. 'This is something I can't do' feels quite definite, whereas 'This is something I can do yet' avoids shutting down a situation and opens up the possibility of change in the future.

What frog could you eat today?

This is a great image isn't it and we are not talking about frogs legs or a cooked frog, the idea is to create a feeling of something we would happily avoid doing, no one wants to eat a frog!

This is about identifying the things you put off doing, some may be important, some may be trivial but what they share is a history of avoidance, always the last on the list....and you never get to the end of the list, something you will get round to doing....but somehow you never do get round to it.

The question 'what frog could you eat today?' then becomes 'what can I do today that I've been putting off or avoiding?' If you ask that of yourself every day for the next week in seven days time you may not even have a list...but it's worth checking every weekend just to make sure.

Often we can spend more time and energy avoiding doing such tasks than would be involved if they became our 'frog for the day'. Every time I go into my cellar I see the cardboard boxes I intend to take for recycling, I've made a lot of mental notes to act on that and now, by the time I go to bed, I intend to have eaten that particular frog so I won't need to think of it again.

Time for the first item on your list?

The day before we die

I grew up with the suggestion we should live each day as if it was our last and being a bit of a literal person I had some trouble with the idea. Who knows what I might do if I knew I was going to die that night, certainly there would be people I would want to contact, messages of love I would want to pass on but if I did that every day it would devalue the currency of my expressions as well as making the recipients feel I had gone rather strange.

So I adopted the slightly more complex idea of living each day so that if it turned out to be my last one on earth but I didn't already know that then, I would have lived in such a way that, looking back on it I would be pleased with how I spent my last 24 hours alive. OK, it doesn't flow that well does it? Then, quite recently, I came across the expression 'the day before we die' and it seemed to sum up what I wanted to express in a far more elegant way than I had managed. We all have a 'day before we die' and very rarely do we know when that is, but if we live each day so if it was that day we would be pleased with what we did, how we acted, what we said, I think we could look back on our last 24 hours on earth and see them as well spent.

I hope you feel it sums up an approach to life you could adopt, today and every day.

The importance of kindness

There is a great deal of writing about 'The Golden Rule' which can be summarised as treat others as you would like them to treat you. It appears in a number of religious writings. The playwright Oscar Wilde commented 'don't treat others as you wish to be treated, they may have different tastes' and I think that's a valid point, some people who follow the golden rule do give to others what they themselves want and that may not be appropriate.

There's also a lot of attention given to the word 'love' in poems, popular culture, religious writings and frequently reference is made to unconditional love, a state many, including the writer, cannot achieve and which seems to have elements of judgment. Love is also a devalued word; I love my children and Chinese food. I love my parents and I love going for a walk. Now I'm all for love, there isn't enough of it in the world but I am less satisfied by it as a guide for action.

I would like to suggest the word 'kindness' as an alternative and yet even that has been compromised, 'you have to be cruel to be kind' no you don't, they are mutually exclusive. But if we ask ourselves if we are being kind in our relationships, in our opinions, in our actions, it does seem to open up a possibility of a less complicated and perhaps softer approach to the people we meet and the issues we face. It also raises the important question of acting kindly towards ourselves, all too often overlooked by those who seek to act well towards others.

The cracked pot - watering the flowers

A water bearer in China had two large pots, each hung on the ends of a pole which he carried across his neck. One pot had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water. At the end of the long walk from the stream to the house, the cracked pot arrived only half full.

For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water to his house.
Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After 2 years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream:
"I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."
The bearer said to the pot, "Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot's side?

"That's because I have always known about your flaw, and I planted flower seeds on your side of the path. Every day while we walk back, you've watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate the table. Without you being just the way you are, there would not be this beauty to grace the house."

Moral: Each of us has our own unique flaws. We're all cracked pots. But it's the cracks and flaws we each have that make our lives together so very interesting and rewarding. You've just got to take each person for what they are, and look for the good in them. There is a crack in everything, that's how the light gets in.

Meditation makes me tense!

This is a genuine comment from someone who had tried meditation for four weeks. There was nothing wrong with the system of meditation he tried, there's probably nothing wrong with any system of mediation, but the approach didn't work for him. Now, why was that? Well, it wasn't that he wasn't 'doing' it properly, it wasn't that he should have been doing it for longer, it wasn't that his heart wasn't in it, it wasn't that somehow he had failed, it was, quite simply, he wasn't the sort of person who would benefit from meditation.

This may seem an obvious explanation but it's not obvious to those whose life is bound up in it being something everyone can benefit from. They conclude if it doesn't work for an individual then there is something wrong with that person, they just don't seem to be able to allow for differences.

So, beware of zealots, not just the ones who preach hatred but anyone who believes what works for them and for many others must be a suitable path for everyone. The kindness of their approach may lead you to think you are not functioning properly if you don't have the same feelings or get the same result but no, it's just that you have different tastes, a different personality, a different way of being and provided how you are doesn't damage other people then that's just fine. Rejoice in being you and let others tread their own path through life but don't let them say you should follow them.

Hold your beliefs lightly

This is the title of an art exhibition by Grayson Perry but it's also one of the best summaries of a way of looking at life that can contribute peace in each of us and in the world in general.

Think about it, all conflict in the world is caused by people having different views, different beliefs and the more strongly you hold those beliefs the more likely you are to be part of that conflict. Now we all have things we think of as true and that's not usually a problem. It's when we start to think of our beliefs as being true of people who don't share them that the problems start. If we hold out own view, our own beliefs lightly we are less likely to be part of the divisions that can cause so much harm in the world. Here are some features of lightly held beliefs.

A willingness to consider you might be wrong.

An acceptance that your belief is just a hypothesis.

A hesitancy in trying to convince others of what you believe unless they express an interest.

A realisation that what you believe is often just a reflection of your culture.

An understanding that your beliefs arise, in part, from your personality.

A willingness to see the beliefs of others as equally valid but just not for you.

It's a stretch to accept someone with very different views form yours as being as right for them as your beliefs are for you but just stop to consider, if you were born in their culture, had their personality, their experiences, might you not have ended up with their beliefs.

How frustrated is your wiser self?

We all have a wise part of our nature, admittedly for observers it's hard to find in others but we know it exists in each of us. Some people might call it God, therapists might call it the inner parent, I've chosen here to refer to it as the wiser self. For some it can be listening to deeper feelings, the still small voice, for some it's getting in touch with what your head says about a situation where your heart is deciding your actions. Whatever is true for you it's worth taking time to identify that part of you and then to ask the 'How frustrated are you?' question.

The frustration can arise because the wiser self feels ignored, doesn't have a voice, it can arise because the wiser self has a voice but its views are never acted on, it feels listened to and then ignored in real life. Whatever your situation it's worth a few minutes of your time, right now, to ask what you wiser voice would say about a particular problem or about your life in general and then check if that part of you is feeling frustrated because its sound and wise advice is constantly being ignored.

Name something you have always wanted to do and explain, to yourself, why you haven't done it yet

The day you run out of things you want to do is the day you give up on life. Now it could be what you want to do is to continue to live your life just as it is, in which case, congratulations, I'm very pleased for you and this item isn't for you. For the rest of us it's interesting to zoom in on one specific objective, one particular thing that's till undone because identifying a single example and acting on it not only improves the chances of getting that one sorted but may also create a template for action that could serve you well in the future.

This is not a trick question by the way, there are often genuine reasons why you haven't done something but sometimes the so called reasons are more like excuses. So the exercise of explaining to yourself  why you haven't done it is a way of sorting out the valid reasons from the ones which don't stand scrutiny. Sometimes you may just conclude that what you thought you wanted to do wasn't actually important to you in which case it's good to clear the decks of vague ideas. Then again you might realise it just isn't worth the effort, nothing wrong with that, so maybe it's an objective to abandon and so create time for something else. And then it could be you are even more clear about wanting to do this thing and can see your so called reasons are just small stepping stones towards your final aim and today you start out in that direction.

The string of life

I don't know the origins of this story but I have heard a few versions of it.

A child is playing in the woods and wishing she was older like her brothers and sisters. Suddenly in front to her is a string with a label on it saying it's the string of life and if you pull it you get older.

Without hesitation she pulls and is now five years older, just approaching teenage years. It's a difficult time not quite there yet, not yet a teenager, so she pulls again and she is 18 but sees she has spots and is socially awkward and wants to be just that bit older so another pull and she is in her early 20's.

Life is good but she lacks the sense of identity those a bit older than her have, probably because they are in strong relationships and have careers so another pull and there she is doing well professionally and engaged to be married. She wonders what marriage is like, pulls and finds it's great but they both want children so yet again she moves forwards, career is on hold and her son and daughter are there.

Well life will be better when they are at school but after another pull of the string yes, they are at junior school but her marriage is in trouble and she doesn't want to hang around. Now in her late 30's she is struggling with teenage children and being a single parent while also trying to keep her career going.

It's sure to be better further on and indeed it is, a new relationship but some alienation for her kids which she wants to pass by as soon as possible. Another pull and her new partner is facing a life threatening illness which makes this time so unbearable she pulls again and the pain of being alone and an early grandmother with children the other side of the country makes her want to move forwards quickly.

Grey hair awaits but also a more mature relationship which she hopes will develop and after another tug she is in her late 60's and happy with someone but with her own health issues, finding getting about hampered. Just get the hip replacement over she thinks but a short tug and she is still struggling.

Another longer pull and there are a lot of people gathered reminiscing about her but she's not there.....

There is only now, enjoy it while it, and you are here.

In following the path of your life have you noticed the scenery?

Everything is getting faster, even getting faster is getting faster and in truth there isn't much wrong with that if we individually stop from time to time to make sure we are living our lives at a pace of our own choosing. Ultimately it is a choice, yes if you choose to reply on your mobile phone and communicate by text then life will move fast, maybe a bit too fast, but it's been your choice. There are plenty of people who don't live that way and that's their choice.

Whatever the pace you set yourself, however clear your objectives are you might want to spend time thinking about the implications this question has for you. We have all walked, driven or gone by bus or train to somewhere, particularly somewhere familiar and arrived having no idea about our journey. If we are not careful that level of unconsciousness about our journey can extend to other parts of our lives and the scenery of relationships, nature, changing seasons, can be ignored in our rush forwards.

And yet if the journey isn't being enjoyed what is the point because at a deeper level the journey is all we have and even at the prosaic level of getting from A to B at that time that's all we have. Today you could notice the scenery, literally as well a figuratively and if the journey becomes a little slower but far more enjoyable is that such a bad thing?

Write a letter to your future self

You can do this for any period of time, tomorrow, ten years, when you get married when you retire but for the sake of this article I'm working on the basis of a letter to yourself in twelve months time. There are no constraints in what you write; your hopes, your dreams, your warnings, your predications, the things you want to be around in a year's time and, just as important, the things you don't want to be around.

It can be a note of encouragement, a note of warning, even just a 'well done, you made it'.

So why do it? Well sometimes we need a couple of snapshots to get a sense of how things are going. It's so easy to get caught up in the unfolding events of life to not remember how things were and so not to know in twelve months time if you have arrived where you wanted to go. Predicting the future is a very difficult activity, events have a way of taking over and we are more likely to be accurate if we write about how we want to handle wherever happens than if we try and decide in advance what is going to happen. So maybe your letter to yourself is not about what you will be doing but about how you will be feeling, it's up to you.

Whatever you write put it away, in your diary, as a post dated email, in your computer calendar and the forget about it. You will probably remember it for a few days but then it will be gone and there is often a real surprise awaiting you in a year when you read what you wrote. The comparison between the contents of your letter and the reality of your life can be a spur to action, a source of self congratulation, a reason for quiet pleasure and, hopefully, the basis for the next letter.

Who is writing the book of your life and if it's you then what's the next chapter?

We can all benefit from stopping from time to time and asking who is writing our life script. Once we take ownership of this then planning what happens to us becomes a more available option. Now some people have an attitude of just seeing what turns up and usually those people have a degree of confidence that they will handle whatever comes their way. It's an excellent way to be although it doesn't suit everyone. The script these people write is not about what happens to them but about how they deal with what happens to them and in truth such an approach is less likely to result in disappointment than the approach of those who want to exercise more control.

For those, including the writer, who are not able to let life lead them where it may the question has added significance and the answer may result in wrestling back control from life areas where events or other people have been holding more sway that they want. This will enable such people to become more the author of their lives in future.

What is the best approach, going with the flow or attempting to influence the direction? It's largely a matter of personal choice but it's worth thinking about exercising more control while at the same time not being attached to a chosen outcome and so be able to go with the flow when the occasion demands.

Only worry about things you can change

A lot of simple ideas are very difficult to apply and this is certainly one of them. For some people the aim is to never worry about anything, either through faith, a belief that what will be will be, or a feeling they are powerless, worry is not much in evidence in their lives. For others the need to be in control makes almost everything a source of worry, they worry about global famine as much as about their own finances, they worry constantly about their children, their parents, their neighbours, their health. Often these people spend a great deal of time reading newspapers and watching the news on television, there is always plenty of scope for worry there, new scares every day, it's what sells.

For most of us worry is a part of life, sometimes but not usually a major part and for such people this is good advice. It's important to distinguish the things you can change and the things you can't, what Steven Covey calls your circle of influence and your circle of concern. If you can't change it don't worry about it is easier said than done but here are some thoughts about reducing the worry in your life.

If you can't change it then shrug your shoulders, literally. It relaxes you and sends a 'let it be' message to the brain.

If you can change it and you can't avoid worrying about it, set aside a worry time, say, ten minutes, then move to action.

Where you can't change things, write your worries on a list and then set fire to the paper the list is written on, let it go.

Camels

A father dies leaving instructions that his 17 camels are to be split up between his 3 sons in the following proportions, half the camels are to go to the eldest son, a third of the camels are to go to the middle son and a ninth of the camels are to go to the youngest son. Failing to think of a way of carrying out split, they sought help from their wise but poor uncle. Their uncle arrived on his tatty old camel. He said, "I'll lend you my camel, then you'll have 18, and you should be able to divide them up without difficulty." So the eldest son chose his 9 camels, the middle son chose his 6 and the youngest chose his 2 camels. The uncle then got back on his camel (which no-one wanted) and went home.

It's a very old story and fairly easy to spot the mathematical flaw. But it does illustrate an approach to problem solving that can be of help in many situations. Sometimes to come to a solution you have to add an ingredient to the puzzle, usually not a camel. You might, for example, add the involvement of another person, you might create an artificial deadline, you might create an implied threat to force a solution. Once you have arrived where you want to be the added element can be discarded but, sometimes, you might not have worked out a solution without it.

What one thing can you do today that will make your life better than yesterday?

It has been rightly said that questions are the answer and the better you phrase the questions you ask yourself the more likely you are to come up with insightful and life improving answers. This question

is one of the great ones and if you ask it of yourself on a regular, preferably daily, basis the answers could positively contribute to your life both immediately and in the longer term.

Sometimes small adjustments applied consistently lead to bigger changes than more dramatic decisions and research shows slow and consistent usually wins over fast and sudden. Yes, there is some truth to the old story of the hare and the tortoise.

Let's break down the question. First it asks about one thing, not two, not a multitude, partly because doing many significant things at once is confusing but mostly because if you can only choose one you are more likely to end up with the most effective choice.

Next it talks about doing it today and the immediacy is important. What you can only do tomorrow may well be forgotten in the next 24 hours but if it can be done today it's more likely to be done. 'Make your life better' doesn't have to mean transform your life, it can easily be a small thing and that's where consistently asking the question can create such change over time.

Lastly the phrase 'than yesterday' encourages to look at what could have been better about your experience of the last 24 hours and even asking the question can lead to some interesting realisations.

Why not ask this question of yourself every day for the next week and see where the process leads you. Today you could make a start.

Three stone masons

During building of St Paul's cathedral, Christopher Wren asked one of the stonemasons what he was doing. He replied that he was cutting a piece of stone. A second stonemason asked the same question, replied that he was cutting a piece of stone that would become a lintel to one of the arched windows. A third stonemason, busy cutting a similar size piece of stone, replied that he was building a cathedral . Three people, three similar tasks, one had no vision beyond his task, one had only a very limited vision of his task, the third had a great vision that his task was an integral part of.

This is an often repeated story and it doesn't matter if it's true or not, the message is a valid one. The more we can connect with a wider sense of purpose to whatever we do the more satisfying our life will be. Time could be spent arguing about how important our personal contribution is, and in truth we may never know, so why not assume what we do has a wider purpose, it just might be that's the case. Here are some examples to think about.

I just work at a supermarket checkout - I serve customers and brighten the day of many of them with my smile.

I'm just a stay at home Mum, don't have time to do anything else - I'm giving my child an upbringing that will be important to them for the rest of their life.

I drive a taxi, possibly the most boring and frustrating job in the world - I take lots of people to where they want to go and aim to make the journey a good experience for them.

We have all had a smile from someone on the checkout that has brightened our day, many of us have had our lives altered by a devoted Mum, a cheerful taxi driver is all the more to be prized because of their rarity...lol.

You can disagree without being disagreeable

People are different. Notice the differences in colour, in hair, in height, in weight, in choice of clothes, in accents, in gender and there are so many things that we could add to that list. Now reflect that our internal differences, the way we process information, what we notice, how we think, the conclusions we come to are probably just as varied as the external differences even though we can't see them. So it's no surprise that people arrive at different views about life and therefore are in disagreement. It's not even a bad thing, it gives life variety, makes discussions interesting and can help us realise our way of seeing the world is not the only reality possible.

We are accepting about so many external differences, few people argue about eye colour, we may not like how someone dresses but it doesn't usually stop us from having a pleasant time with them. It could be that way with other differences, differences about religion, about politics, about the right way to be and to act. It's certainly not easy but we can accept such differences are a natural and inevitable part of being human and not be disagreeable about being in disagreement.

Yes there are some views we find difficult to tolerate and we have the choice to walk away. We can even campaign against the attitudes of some people and organisations but we don't need to do so with anger, we don't need to take it personally. If we find that's just what we are doing the solution lies in examining our own lives, not in trying to change others.

Measure it twice, you'll only cut it once

My Dad was a carpenter when he was a young man and this is standard advice when it comes to using a saw. Over the years I've come to see how important this approach can be in many other areas of my life.

Words once said are not easily forgotten so time spent thinking about what you want to say is a worthwhile investment.
You have two ears and one mouth, listen twice as much as you speak; it really could improve your relationships.
A major financial expenditure is best thought through carefully, you won't get a second chance to spend the same money.
What you are going to do with today and with your life, is worth some careful thought, time doesn't come round twice.

You want to be a writer?

This is a quote from a Paul Simon song, Hurricane Eye.

"You want to be a writer but don't know where or when?
Find a quite place, use a humble pen."

Good advice to any aspiring writer, it's that simple, find somewhere to sit and start writing.

Do you want to be a marathon runner? Go for a slow run today.
Do you want to have more love in your life? Reach out to someone before the sun goes down.

You can fill in your own examples. Start with something you want but write it out as a question. Then write a reply giving the simplest first step it's possible for you to take. If you stick with anything for 10 minutes today, 15 minutes tomorrow by the end of a month you will be on your way to mastery.

Yes of course there will be complications, problems to overcome, but, to revert to the original example, if you write your first word you immediately become someone who has started their novel. All great writers started with a first word, you will be in good company.

Deciding or procrastinating?

Procrastination, putting things off, gets a bad press in this day and age of fast decision making but sometimes it's the best thing to do. If the time doesn't feel right to decide on something then why not let things ride and see if a decision emerges?

The word decide comes from the same root as homicide and suicide and it means literally 'to cut off the alternative. No wonder decisions can sometimes be very difficult to make, it can be the associated feeling of loss that stops us moving forwards....'if I do this then I can't do that'.

This is where deciding and procrastinating can work hand in hand. You can choose to this and therefore choose not to do that...yet. Now maybe you won't ever get round to the other thing you wanted to do at the time, perhaps the initial desire will diminish so it's not longer even on your wish list, but by this simple approach you don't have to face up to that right now, you can decide to procrastinate on one thing at the same time as deciding to go ahead with another and so avoid any associated sense of loss.

For some people this will be second nature and for others it will be an important realisation.

Who you are changes

Is there a fundamental you which has stayed the same throughout your life or are you someone who has changed according to circumstances and experiences? The answer is you are probably a bit of both, there is a core which was identifiably you as a child and still is now and there are ways of expressing that core which have, like your body, changed over time.

It is tempting to go through life using the same approaches that have worked before because after all you are the same person. Well yes, you are but keeping the same attitudes, looking at things the same way might be a sensible as still wearing the same clothes you wore a decade or so ago, although I accept, some people do just that.

Maybe it's time to review your wardrobe and your ways of looking at life. You could try on some new attitudes, see if a different approach suited you, wear less assumptions than you used to, have more, or less, colourful opinions, wear an approach you would have never dared try on ten years ago.

Just a thought and today, you could play around with that thought.

Compassion is more important than truth

We have probably all been told from childhood that we should always tell the truth and that's sound advice, but it's unlikely the unvarnished truth was always told to us when we were young. Father Christmas and The Tooth Fairy are two obvious examples but most parents have a wish to protect their offspring from some of the harsh realities of life, at least until they are old enough to understand and strong enough to cope.

So the truth is, in general, good practice but maybe it's not a good principle to be applied in all circumstances although I recognise many with strong religious views would not agree with this position. Surely there are times in our lives when acting with compassion and kindness, is more important than being totally honest and not just when dealing with children. The elderly, the vulnerable, the emotionally scarred, and scared, may all appreciate and benefit from compassion more than from accuracy. Sometimes we can tell the truth to make ourselves feel better rather than to benefit those we are talking to.

The exception to this approach is in recognising the truth for ourselves, that's almost always the best option. To see what is as clearly as we can even if we then decide not to pass on that information to others.

Rowing a boat still tied to the dock

This could be a helpful metaphor for some of the circumstances of life. Imagine sitting in a rowing boat, oars in your hands, and watch as they dip into the water - but you don't start moving forwards, so you try harder, the strokes are more rapid, the effort much greater...still no movement. Finally you put every ounce of energy into making the oars move faster and faster, you are like an Olympic rower, sweat is pouring from your brow but you still stay stuck just where you always have been. At last you look up and see the boat you are rowing still has a rope tied to the dock, the rope is tight but it's not frayed, there is no chance of more rowing breaking it, you are never going to move forwards until you untie the rope, release the boat and then your energy will be rewarded and you will move forwards. It will still be an effort, you may not go as fast as you want, but you won't be wasting your time, your energy, your life in trying to move a tied up boat.

This metaphor will mean something different to each reader, and nothing at all to some readers. That's the joy and the challenge of metaphors they don't provide set answers, neither does anything else in this website, but they can give a clue about what is needed. Then it's time to take action.

Everything passes

It's one of the few rules I believe in, everything passes, events, experiences and in the end, even life itself. Even if you believe in reincarnation your life as it is now will end. So the good things pass and the bad things pass and that thought can make you feel out of control, a prisoner of events and circumstances. Now it's true, whatever you do time just continues; the sun rises and sets without your involvement or wish. But it's also true that if you stop and look at a beautiful sunset or sunrise, noting every moment of change the experience will seem to last longer than if you are doing something else.

So the good news is that while the good things pass and the bad things pass in just the same way we can slow down the passing of the positive and speed up the passing of the negative. Yes, it's only a change of perception but then perception is all we have. If you don't actually experience something then, for you, it's as if it doesn't exist.

Good and bad things can be savoured, good and bad things can be rushed through, but it makes sense to slow down and fully appreciate what is positive and good just as it make sense to speed up the experience of the difficult parts of life or even find some interesting distractions while they are passing.

Today you could practice that, with something inconvenience or some pleasant experience. The practice will stand you in good stead for when something more important, good or bad, turns up.

Describe reality rather than judge it

Here is a simple technique to use when things are difficult. I've written elsewhere how our judgments of what is true may be flawed and turn out to be wrong, although sometimes they may be spot on; there is no hard and fast rule. So instead of judging, try describing what you see as reality.

It's about creating a narrative around the events and experiences of your life, rather than labelling them as 'good or 'bad' and it can help to achieve a distance between what happens and how you feel about it. Since your understanding of events depends to a large extent on your interpretation using descriptions rather than judgements means you don't have to challenge your conclusions directly, you can put them to one side and just notice and describe what is going on. It won't work with everything, it won't work for everyone but there are people who will find this approach significantly changes how they get through life and you, dear reader, might just be one of those people.

15 minutes of your day

We all have things we tend to put off, even though often we want to get them done, have them out of the way. But life intrudes, energy levels are not always high, the unexpected happens. There are also things we want to start, exercise, learning a skill, writing a novel etc, that we never get round to because the task seems so big.

This is an approach that can be used in both situations and it takes no more than 15 mins. The idea behind it is that you can always find a quarter of an hour and even those with the weakest willpower can keep going for that, fairly short, period of time. So, choose something, big or small, you have been putting off completing or even starting. A good choice is tidying a cupboard or sorting out a clothes rack. If you have a timer on your phone, or one in your kitchen then set it on countdown for 15 mins, if not, just use a watch. Then start and keep going until the time is up, then stop, even if you feel like doing more.

Whatever the task if you imagine spending two full working weeks on it you can start to imagine how much progress you could make. Well, over a twelve month period a quarter of an hour a day amounts to two full working weeks, and that's only doing it five times a week, you can afford to take the weekend off!

Living in the present

There was a three part cartoon in the New York Times which speaks to this issue and I think says something true for many of us, male or female.

In the first cartoon a man is at the office but the bubble above his head shows he is thinking about playing golf.

In the second cartoon he is playing golf but the bubble shows him thinking of having sex.

In the third cartoon he is having sex but the bubble shows him thinking about things he has to do when he gets back to the office.

So how often are you so taken up with your present moment activity that you are not revisiting the past or rehearsing the future? It's natural to plan ahead, sometimes it's good to reflect but most times it's best to be in the here and now, fully experiencing whatever is going on in the present moment.

Today you could decide to practice that more.

What if watching television was like eating?

Most people who read this site are interested in their personal development, they are likely to be more conscious than the average person of what they eat and drink although, like many of us, may struggle with some issues in these areas. You may well fit into that pattern.

Now your television watching may follow your food and drink awareness, an occasional snack that experts say is 'bad' for you, the odd guilty pleasure but for others the idea of seeing what you watch, what you listen to, what you read as if it were food you were eating could change some unhealthy attitudes. In truth, whatever we allow into our minds is similar to the food and drink we take into our bodies and we end up feeling affected by our information diet just as much as we do by our entertainment diet. Maybe it's time to keep a mental note of what you allow into your mind and ask yourself, 'if this was food I was eating then how would by body be feeling by the time I go to bed?'

A record of things that go wrong and their solution

'"I've experienced a lot of problems in my life and just a few of them actually happened' That's a comment made by Mark Twain many decades ago and it still holds true in modern times. This is not to suggest nothing bad ever happens but it is saying a lot less goes wrong than we believe and even when something does go awry the end result is often to our benefit.

So here is a challenge for the next month. When you have a fear about something that might go wrong, when you feel something has actually gone wrong write it down in a short sentence. Then, when it's resolved or when you think it's beyond resolution make a brief note of the outcome, what actually happened and how it left you feeling. At the end of the month review your list of fears and things that seemed to go wrong and note how many never came about, how many were easily resolved and how many ended up by making your life better rather than worse.

Keep that list and next time you are faced with a possible difficult situation just remind yourself of how often your worst fears are not realised and how often even when things do go wrong there is an unexpected benefit in how they eventually get resolved.

You can't be a prisoner of your past against your will

It's often said about people that they are a prisoner of their past and to a degree that's probably true of all of us. Certainly some people have had horrendous things happen in their early life and its natural our thoughts and sympathies go out to them. Even those of us who have had relatively good early lives have aspects that we find difficult to deal with and which continue to affect us. But it is a choice, the past does not equal the future and you can only be a prisoner of the past if you accept that's the way it is.

Here's the tricky bit, the past doesn't exist, except in your head. Now to some people scarred by life that will seem easy to write and I accept that criticism. But the thought remains true, the only thing that exists in reality is here and now and even that is affected by how we think about it. The past has happened, no doubt about that, but it is literally in the past tense and can only affect us if we spend time thinking about it in the present. Letting go is not easy, our mind likes to recall past issues but a good start can be made by accepting we do have a choice and that, with practise, that choice can become broader and easier to exercise.

Ten steps to happiness

This is my summary of and commentary on an excellent book of the same name which you may well want to purchase.

Accept things as they are

Happiness only exists in the present moment and it's not possible if you are also waiting for things to be different. Happiness can't be planned, it can only be experienced and only in the present moment.

Practise being optimistic

And the better you get at it the happier you will become. Be more aware of your internal dialogue, the things you say to yourself. Even see things going wrong as a chance to practise being optimistic.

Take time for quiet reflection

Being quiet, internally, is a skill worth developing. It doesn't have to be formal meditation, although that's a great approach, but taking time every day to still your mind can become a very enjoyable habit.

Enjoy the simple pleasures of life

And the more simple the better. This is about taking time to smell the roses, noticing the sunset, smelling the fresh air, savouring simple food, listening to the sounds of life around you, weeding the garden.

Show kindness to others

Every day there are opportunities to be kind, to friends, to family, on the phone, by email, through the thoughts in your head. Your own happiness may not be the reason but you will be the beneficiary.

Take good care of your body

Treat your body kindly, through what you eat and drink, through age appropriate exercise, through a stretching program, through managing the thoughts you allow in your head. It's the only body you have.

Nurture your relationships

Relationships grow, plants grow, but if you want a fine garden it takes some maintenance, thought and planning. Give that attention to your relationships, particularly with people you take for granted.

Live a life of gratitude

This may be the major contributor to human happiness. There is much to be grateful for and there is a lot to be said for keeping a list, adding to it on a daily basis and reading through it at the start of each day.

Learn something new

Either formally through a program of study or informally through bringing new understandings to the experiences of the day. There are so many internet resources, so many books, so many opportunities.

Connect to a big picture

This isn't about religious belief, maybe like me you don't have the 'gift of faith' but there is a bigger picture you can sign up to, a way of looking at the world and seeing you own part in it.

Are you haunted by the past or are you haunting the past?

There's no question about it, some people have had very troubled early lives. It's also the case that most of us have had at least some difficulties as we grew up and for those who didn't even that can be an issue as they may feel they have not had much to overcome and so lack motivation to move forwards. Having problems and getting through them does strengthen you.

It's equally true that some people continue to live out their minor or major early difficulties in their adult life while others have put the past behind them, except for the learning they gained from their early troubles. So what makes the difference?

To some degree its personality, we are all different, but I contend to a far greater degree it's about choice. Now no one, well very few people, consciously decides to hang on to the troubles of childhood and bring them into their later lives but some people, a lot of people in fact, do just that without being aware of it. So it's worth asking the question, 'am I haunted by my past or am I haunting my past?' In other words, how consciously do I live my life, how aware am I of repeating past patterns, how much am I in control or how much do I let what has happed to me control what happens to me next?

What occurred in your early life was not your fault, you didn't cause it, and you are not responsible for it. What you do next in your adult life is entirely your responsibility and the sooner you realise and accept that the easier it will be to let go of the past and live the life you want rather than the life your childhood might still be dictating.

Some useful things to accept in life..

Things do not always go according to plan.

In fact things seem to not go according to plan more often that they do. It's also true that the stricter the plan the less likely it is to be fulfilled. You can probably make a clear plan for the next hour but the next day needs to have more flexibility built in. If you stop expecting things to be as you want them you will save yourself a lot of heartache.

Life is not always fair.

Life is not about fairness or unfairness, in fact life doesn't care about what happens, life just happens. Your choice is either to accept that and enjoy what turns up or resist it, try and make life fit into a template you have constructed and waste time and effort trying to change reality. It could be good to see whatever comes up as your friend.

People are not loving and loyal all the time.

And that's true even of the nicest and best intentioned people. It might even be true of you! People are flawed and that's how it was meant to be, perfection doesn't exist and it's the most boring thing to try and achieve. A good approach to having more pleasure is to reduce your expectations, that way you get more pleasant surprises from other people..

Pain is part of life.

Pain, loss, grief, discomfort are all a part of life, just like love, joy and excitement. I'm not saying you must have one to appreciate the other but both certainly exist. So when times of pain and suffering arrive at least they don't have to come as a surprise, they can even, and this will seem strange to some, be greeted as an expected visitor, even if a visitor whose departure you look forward to.

Things always change, and end,

The good parts and the difficult parts, the exciting and the boring, indeed, life itself. There's no point in clinging on to certainty, at best it's temporary because in the end everything changes. So your choice is to resist and try and keep things the same, or the waste of energy involved in that, or accept life moves on and go with the flow.

Is your anchor sinking your boat?

A good thing about metaphors is that they can mean different things to different people. The danger is that they get over extended and lose their relevance. This metaphor suggests that sometimes the things we cling to in life can actually drag us down even if we think they are what keep us safe and secure. An anchor is essential for safety, but it should not be so big or so heavy it can cause damage to whatever it is meant to protect.

A relationship can be empowering but it can also limiting, being with someone can be important but perhaps sometimes becomes too important.

A home is such a lovely thing to have, many don't, but if looking after it becomes so demanding it severely limits your freedom then a smaller more simple place to live might be better.

A job or career is a wonderful thing to have, particularly in uncertain times, but it can get to dominate your life at the expense of other important things.

And for some people it can be their car, their computer, their gym visits, the list goes on.

So, given it is a metaphor perhaps it can be rephrased as a question, 'which anchor do you have that is most in danger of sinking your boat?'

The purpose of meditation

There is an old story of a man who wanted to devote his life to his inner spiritual practice. He searched for, and found, a cave where he could sit in silence all day while sustaining himself from the fruit that grew around him and drink from the water of a nearby crystal clear stream. He stayed there for some years, practising and perfecting his meditation and feeling at peace with the world. One day he awoke and had the feeling his practice was at an end and it was time to re-join his fellow man. On the way down the mountain he came across some children playing in the lower part of the stream, screaming and shouting with excitement and fun.  'Shut up' shouted the man, in anger, and at that moment realised his practice had been to no avail.

It's probably true that for some people a life of contemplation is their calling and living in silence their way of finding peace. But for most of us, meditators or not, what's important is how we show up in the world, how we react when things go wrong. It's a mark of a good inner practice that it leaves you better able to react to the noise and disturbance of life. What's important with meditation is not how good your time of silence felt but what you do and how you are after your practice has finished.

Chatting to my Granddaughter

My Granddaughter, Jasmine, three and a half, has become very involved in the recent film 'Frozen' and with being the character, Princess Elsa. You may not have seen the film but I've seen it four times now!

I pointed out to Jasmine that Elsa, although she was sad for a while, ended up happy and that it was important to remember that. I also said to remember that the people in real life, her family and friends, were more important, Frozen was only a story.

She replied with passion 'But Grandpa, all our lives are just stories.'

Now I'm not going to credit her with amazing existential insight at under four but it was quite a profound statement and I have thought about it a lot. She is right, all our lives are stories and, in my view, we are the authors, at least when it comes to our reactions and our decisions.

This makes the possibilities involved in writing the next chapter even more interesting.

Spending the time before you die

This was a chance remark made to a friend of mine who was talking about what the future held for her. 'I don't want to feel I'm wasting my life' she said to the respondent. 'Well' he replied' we are all spending the time before we die. Now whatever your beliefs about an afterlife there is truth there, albeit it in a rather brutal form.

'The only certain things in life are death and taxes' is an oft quoted remark of Benjamin Franklin.

Our lives are going to end sometime and, in truth we don't know when that time is so how we spend the time between now and then is to a large extent, our decision. We made be bound by restrictions of location, of finances, of responsibilities, of health but how we deal with those and the attitudes we have are very much our choice.

You probably don't want to tiptoe through life just to arrive safely at death.